Quick

I'm totally not kidding when I say this will be quick... maybe I will add to it in the morning, because its midnight and I need sleep.

So, neurologist, sucks. She says I need to see an endochronologist (spelling may be off i don't know!) but she'll just run some blood work instead, so not to inconvenience me.

I'm going to get botox injections to help treat my current migraines. I ask, oh does it hurt? Yes. Ohh kay then. I shouldn't have asked.

I tell her my family doctor recommends a follow MRI to see if its a tumor and if its growing. "well then he can refer you for one." Alrighty then lady. Sorry to step on your almighty "neurologist" toes.
I fought with her, I get a follow up in a year to see if its grown if it is - its a pituitary tumor. If not its a cyst.

I had a visitor this evening. It was fun. What does that mean?

I am supposed to go out this weekend on Saturday (my mom's orders!), do something fun ~ what is that again?

Dr. ordered more sleep, she said 4 hours a night is causing more migraines. I told her I can't get everything done in a day with less sleep. I already dont get everything done as it is. We settled at 5 hours a night. Grr.

Dr. Ordered eating 5-6 meals a day. Going to be tough since I only eat 2 now. PLUS she specified they can't be from my 5 food groups... chocolate, chips, candy, pop, and deep fried. GRRR! I said I would do anything to live again. I meant it. Crap, so I put my foot in my mouth because now I have to drink water too. Great. I hate water. OH well, lets see how I do. today I ate dinner. honeycombs for breakfast, peanutbutter marshmellowy square at 8 am, 2pm chocolate macaroon haystack. I'm doing great. OH, and 2 cans of coke. No water. Oops. I guess I'll try again tomorrow.

Random thoughts

Well, another day, another killer migraine. I'm sure 3 and a half hours sleep last night didn't help with that. Thank goodness for a wonderful sister in the church who had offered to bring dinner by last week, and I had rain checked. I managed to cash that one in at the most perfect time. Seems like these days dinner is such a hard time.

I am getting anxious for tomorrow. I tried distracting myself by my usual method - shopping. Not that we bought much. River got a yo-yo and I got a camisole that I have been "needing". (Ok, a color that I wanted to match the suit jacket I haven't been wearing without the cami! That is a NEED!) Besides it was only a couple dollars, and it filled another need in me :) Bad Tara! I know, the shopaholic in me is still trying to sneak its way out. What can I say, I enjoy shopping?

So now with bed time here, and the appointment tomorrow, I am nervous again. I had been talking to a friend who informed me that it may not be as clear cut as I had hoped. (Of course). I think right now, I just need to stop thinking all together, and pray. I quit praying for my wants a while ago. I have been praying for God's will to be done. Ever since I had my patriarchal blessing in December (basically a life long blessing of guidance and counsel given to me personally) I have had a strong understanding and just a knowledge that the Lord has a great plan for me and my family in this life, that I am not meant to struggle forever. I have decided to put my full faith in him, and that knowledge, and let what comes be what may, as I know it is his will. Especially the more I am striving to live his will, and follow his counsel.

I have spent a lot of time thinking about how on earth I will ever meet someone to invite to share the gospel with for the missionary challenge this week. I hate to fail. Again, take that back to one of my perfectionist tendencies. I wouldn't say I was a perfectionist, I am far from it, and i have actually been getting better over the years (scary thought) but it still largely effects my life. The worst part is ~ I'm working on it. I can't tell. Ha!! I like things perfect though, the idea of accepting a less than perfect standard just to "heal" myself is an irritating thought. lol. I have dirty floors from time to time, and a messy house, my hair isn't always perfect. I make lots of mistakes. Heck just read my blog! So its not that bad. Just don't ask me how it is effecting my life in a negative way. :)

It all makes a difference

I have had quite a few people call me this weekend, or send a message of love and support, aunts I haven't heard from in years, family, and friends. It has helped me to be so much stronger, I truly feel the strength of every one's prayers and I am so grateful for them. I don't know what I would do with out the love I feel from each one of you who has sent me a message, or called. It really helps to know you are thinking of me, especially considering I'm still only in the phase of unsurity and waiting for answers. I know that if bigger crisis hits I will have people there for me, to call on, to lift my spirits. Some times in this life I think we forget how much others need that. Even when we might not be able to do much else, a message, or a call means so much. So Thank you to all of you. It has helped me to go from panic and stressed to a feeling of I can get through this. I'm sure a lot of prayers helped with that feeling too. I am hoping today goes by quickly and smoothly, with the appointment tomorrow.

Hoping for a Tumor?

Some days I find it amazing in my mind how we can have so many thoughts, that run around, worry for this, concern for that. No wonder I'm stressed. Contemplate this. Remember to do that. When things like this happen part of you feels like life should just stop. Like how am I still functioning with this other crisis in the back of my head. But I do. I still get up and get ready, feed the family, and go to work. I still bathe, and make my to-do lists. I still move along, one foot in front of the other. My head pounds as I move along, migraine already going this morning- fairly normal for me, but now its just another reminder, oh ya, that might be a tumor in there. The fuzzy vision I'm experiencing right now might not be just another migraine, it might be because there's a tumor in your head.


I managed to get some stuff done, which was good. I am so glad a friend of mine came by. She's such a wonderful help. I think she is so amazing. We get some of my living room organized and looking like a normal house. She put up a couple of my pictures and she straightened my books. I'm so grateful for that. I am sure there are so many people sitting there wondering why on earth these things even matter to me right now. But for me all I can say is I know that the more and more chaotic my life gets the more and more my perfectionist tendencies peak. I need order and cleanliness.


As I visited with the missionaries tonight and they put forth another challenge to me, I thought in my head "what!" another task on my plate? but I accepted. I just thought, they are out doing the Lords work, they are here because he has his hand in all that we do, so if this is what he wants me to do, then I will accept. I don't know how I will ever think straight enough to find someone to invite to hear the gospel. Even though I know how much it empowers me in my life. You know, I enjoy having the missionaries around. Sometimes you just need people who carry the spirit with them around you, to lift you up. After I accepted the challenge, they said something that really made sense to me, that if I have pray in Faith, Heavenly Father will make this challenge possible. He will bring someone into my life who is willing to hear about our gospel. I knew in that moment he was not only right, but that I need to remember to have more faith.

Heavenly Father has his hand down guiding so many aspects of my life right now, leading me, trying to get me on track, and my life going where it needs to go. And here I am knowing in my head yet delaying in action. Finally lately I started listening to his still small voice, but slow to action. I am dragging my feet, resisting. I know with all my heart that the only thing that comes from following his commandments is blessings, strength and good things, yet I still resist, drag my feet. Why on earth would someone do that? Know the road to bliss, and joy yet still resist taking it? I mean life is difficult and full of trials right now, if I want support and to lighten my burden I know all I need to do is follow the commandments, and pray to ask for his help and things will get easier to handle.

I have to say, I really truly feel like the Lord has been watching over me, guiding me, trying so hard to lead me back to the straight and narrow path of the gospel. Not that I had wondered completely off of it, more like I had stalled out. Sat down and decided I was going to sit right where I was on the path if you could envision that. Ok ok. Maybe slightly beside it.

I met this man the other day, and I felt as though he and I connected. Not in the way that I was attracted to him, but just in a sense of we communicated well, and I enjoyed his company, like a good friend. And like two people passing in the street, I will probably never see that man again, but the point is it reminded me that there are still good men out there, and that one day down the road when it is time and I am ready the Lord will have someone set aside for me, some one I can connect with. I realized that even with all these trials and struggles I am battling in my life, I think it is just Heavenly Father's way of wrapping up the past and helping me to make space for a better life in my future. A happier life. I worked so hard in my past, I spent hours, and days, and months trying so hard to get my family to be able to go to the temple to be sealed. I know now that there was a reason that it didn't happen, because God knows the better plan. I still do not know it yet, but I do know that he does, and he has his hand in all things, watching over us, guiding us. If he feels that my life needs to go in this direction then I will follow, and I have hope that it is only to lead me to brighter days. Someone asked me what I want in this life ~ my answer ~ stability, a husband, and a family life. I didn't get into detail at that time but that would include that the husband be temple worthy and always provide a stable home for his family. I guess I don't ask for much, but at the same time, I ask for a lot. I'm only 27, but I do believe that Heavenly Father will give me what I ask for in this life, especially if I live worthily. I'm not saying I am even contemplating dating or marriage at this time, I'm just saying that for the first time, I actually believe there might be some decent men left out there. And if there isn't I know the Lord has one hidden away just for me, special, for when the time comes. So I need not despair for all the days of my future. Seeing that he showed me that he will have his hand in all things and that there was a reason he caused my life in Raymond to "wrap up" so abruptly, and be such a trial to me was not for me to suffer but because he must know of a bigger plan for me. But also I related these thoughts on to the lump they have found in my brain. If it is a tumor and they can remove it, we can wrap up this time of trial and suffering, and he knows that even though it will be difficult and scary to go through, it is leading me to brighter skies of migraine free days. (These things I hope and pray for.)

This being said, as I have contemplated it more and more, I have decided I hope it is a tumor in my head.  Because then it will be a means to an end. for the last 18 months I have not been able to live my life. I have been existing, mearly surviving. I often feel as though I need assistance just to get by. If it is a tumor, and they can operate to remove it, and my health can return to some sort of normalcy, where I can function, and take care of my children I would think it would be worth it. River was telling a friend of mine yesterday how much it sucks for them as children that I am sick all the time, because their mom is no fun, and they often have to do things for themselves. It hurt so badly, but there is nothing I can do about it, lots of days the pain is just so bad, and I PUSH myself so hard as it is. I am often guilt ridden by the lack of quality time they receive due to my migraines, but I cannot do what my body will not let me. So a tumor may just be the answer to my prayers. I remember going into the MRI hoping they would find something to explain my migraines, this could just be that explanation, even if it is scary.

I continue to hold out hope, and I want to thank everyone for all there love and support, you have been so kind to send your thoughts and prayers to me. They are making a huge difference, I feel it. Thank you!

Alone

OK, I know that I should have put this whole thing out of my head. But how can I? It is so scary to me. More than anything, its stress. I just feel so alone right now. I really do. Overwhelmed and alone. My aunt called me tonight and  she let me know its ok to cry. I don't know how she knew that I dont cry.  When did that happen to me? She's right though, I need to cry sometimes, let it out. But I can't. I just want to curl up in a ball for a little, and sometimes I just want to let loose and get out for a bit. I need a break. Just a day or two. In my dreams maybe??

Too tired to keep writing. Be back tomorrow.

Freakin out

Ok, So I usually write on my blog and feel much better after relaying some info, and reflecting my feelings. Its actually very theraputic for me. I usually end up realizing things I didn't see before. Ok, I still do, but today I realized a whole lot of scary stuff. After I wrote my post this morning, I called my mom and told her about it, and then I headed off to work. I have spent the day lost... in total panic. What if I died? What could happen to me? How am I going to get through this? Why now? I'm all alone. My stress levels were already at the peak, but I was handling them (just barely) but now this has thrown me over the edge. I could hardly work today. All I could think was

A tumor. In my Brain.

The stress was doing me in. The migraine I had today was out of control. So I called someone I knew, who turned out to be a college prof on this stuff. She knows all about human anatomy and right now she's teaching about hormones and the brain etc. Another strange coincindence her daughter in-law has a brain tumor. So we talked, a lot. She knew a lot about what I was telling her. Its a pituitary tumor or cyst. (I knew that). After laying out the history for her, she was concerned. There has been a lot of direct hormonal changes that are directly linked to the hormones that are released from the area the lump is. Also, the problems I was telling her I have experienced in the last 18 months, aren't typical from a migraine but do sound typical to this  section of the brain - NOT A GOOD SIGN. Like how I already am experiencing vision problems. If this was a cyst that I was born with (which is the other option they had suggested) then it wouldn't be wreaking havok with any of these other things in my brain, and all of those symptoms are just "co-incidental?" hmm. I guess I wait till tuesday to find out more information from the neurologist directly.

 Longest 6 days of my life.

 (Probably not, but still Way TOO LONG!)

See, I have stress at work, not normal every day stress (I'm too tired to get into it, but its a gooder) plus some serious financial difficulties going on right now, totally stressing me out day to day. Due to the last 3 weeks being unmanagebly difficult migraines I haven't been keeping up with the house work or unpacking so the to-do list around here is stressing me out. (I'm just one of those people where the mess=stress). Not to mention the divorce and custody battle going on too, and my poor stressed out children who aren't totally adjusting well. One who's acting out from it all. Losing all my friends from having to flee a domestic "situation" and move out of my community and get an emergency protection order. I could handle all of it until this.

I hit my breaking point when I heard

LUMP IN YOUR BRAIN.

What the heck did I do?

How am I supposed to go through this alone? Why am I going through this alone now? This has honestly pushed me over the edge. I just can't handle the stress of everything in my life PLUS a possible brain tumor. You know just saying it, sounds like a lie, it sounds like tv or something. I don't know how to handle this. How on earth do they expect me to sit in anticipation of answers for another 6 months? My friend thinks I should insist on 3 months, especially with the way things have progressed.

I have a million questions. Can you die from brain surgery? How long does it take? What is the recovery like? How long will they wait once they find out that it is a tumor before they decide to operate? I don't want enlarged hands, feet, ears, jaw. I don't want to go blind. I don't want migraines everyday any more. Chronic fatigue. Are there side effects left over after they remove it?

Why me? Why now? I was being so strong. I really was trying so hard.

I'm all they got.

Ok, so I am just going to randomly throw out a few things here, because I'm actually supposed to be getting ready for work right now and I always waste too much time on the computer in the morning. Look at that its already 5:15am, (I've been up since 4) and I haven't even started doing my hair or decided what I'm going to where. Which is a process in itself. ANYWAYS, that's not what I was going to write about.

So like always after I have a doctor's appointment I usually have things to reflect on. So I had an MRI last month to see if they could get any information regarding my migraines, but usually an MRI doesn't find anything for migraines unless you have like a brain tumor. Well... they found a lump in my brain. Talk about freak me out. As of right now we don't have a clue as to what it is or means, but that its not a solid ~ which means not cancerous/or you typical brain tumor BUT it still could be this other type of tumor that is a fluid filled lump that grows. As it grows it presses on a part in your brain which causes it to produce more hormones and you go blind and get ugly basically! lol. OK, OK, you end up getting manlier, enlarged ears, and jaw, hands and feet etc. (See sounds ugly to me). So what happens then? Brain surgery. I'm not kidding. They go in through your nose, and its all robotically done. (Even doc says we are hoping for the cyst) To say the least, I am a little FREAKED out right now. Are you KIDDING ME??? I'm a single mother! Anyways, on the plus side I get a follow up MRI in 6 months to see if it is growing. Otherwise it may be just a cyst thingy (I'm great with technical jargon) that you're born with. I know maybe I should have mentioned the plus side first but if you have ever had a scare you'll understand how until you know for sure, you spend time worrying about the what if's. Especially in my case, I keep thinking how only a year and a half ago I had never even had a migraine in my life, and how many other side effects came with them that weren't A-typical, that could've been caused by this tumor.  Its about just under the size of a dime right now. in case you were wondering, but not a ball (like a marble) instead its like its been squished. Hope that makes sense.

Looks like I'm out of time for my other thoughts. After I started writing I guess I realized I did have quite a bit to say about that one topic. I guess its not just some random thing. I get to find out some more info from the Neurologist on Tuesday next week, and I know I'm supposed to be thinking oh no big deal its nothing. (like when they said don't worry your only getting an MRI as a back up, we won't find anything). But to me its something. They didn't or haven't talked to me about chances or odds of it actually being the type of tumor that we don't want. I guess this would sound way better if I knew the name hey? lol. I should have written it down. Dang long confusing doctor words! I guess I just keep thinking, I'm all my kids got. I'm all they got. What does this mean?