sabotage

Wonderful Day!

Today was really good! Migraine free! That is right people, migraine free!

I still had an aura (so cloudy vision) but no pain! Everyday is getting better for how I've been feeling it seems, thank goodness. I am so happy about that, and tomorrow is Berlyn's big birthday party. Ok, maybe its not so big, but it should be fun. I'm pretty excited about it. I think she's going to grow up to be a lot like her mama! She has managed to ask three people for a dress for her birthday, she loves barbies and she changes  her clothes 3-4 times a day. Berlyn has a love for make up and posing in pictures like a model.



I told you she LOVES to do her make up!



So today was definitely a very productive day. I learned a lot about myself. I went to counselling, and realized a few things about how to increase my self worth. It increases by setting goals, and accomplishing them and realizing that for myself, and doing this repeatedly over time. As well as celebrating this success. As I sat there in counselling I didn't talk about this part, but in my head I came to realize for so many years I have placed my self worth in the hands of others. If people liked me, I valued myself. So, the more friends I had, the more outside praise I received the better I felt about myself. If I was in a time where I moved, or friends were transitioning, I felt low, or worthless. If I didn't receive any exterior praise for anything for long periods of time, like when I didn't work I felt low as well. This was also why I could never be alone (or single). So, now I've joined the Church, and I have Jesus, and the Love of Heavenly Father in my life. I don't view things the same anymore, but it is interesting to see how volatile my self worth was, and how that could effect the decisions I was making in my life. I am so glad to have the church, but I also want to love myself to the highest degree (healthily) where I feel confident to assert myself. I also learned that I need to work on some cognitive behavioral changes, to help with asserting myself, but this is all good, and going to help me. I was thinking about how setting goals was a part of self worth and I thought, I have set a lot of goals in my life, and I usually procrastinate (there's that P word!) or walk away from them, from fear of failure! What does that say? lol. No wonder I have such low self worth, I have been sabotaging myself for years! I am so elated to feel like I can work on myself continually, trying to become a better person all the time. I am not afraid to admit I have areas to work on because I know we all do, that is why the Lord sent us here, because we are imperfect. I am so humble, and I share my experiences to help humanize me, so maybe one day others may realize I too am just human, and not be afraid to befriend me. I feel great that I am working on my goal though, and I hope that I continue to work on it. I guess after hearing about what does create stronger self worth it makes me think twice about how much effort I will put in to my new year's resolutions. I am also going to set some shorter term goals.

I always believe it's easiest to start small, and work your way up! So, I will start by tracking some of my church commandments, and goals. Like how much time I spend reading my scriptures. (I do read them daily) but lately my reading has become mundane, I stopped using my study guide with it a couple weeks ago, so I will set a goal to start doing that again, for 6 out of 7 days. It sounds so simple to put that down on paper, but for me it is very hard. And to put it out here for all the world to know my goal, is REALLY hard! Even just typing the words, I have a strong erg to just hit the delete button and keep the goal in my head. This way in 7 days I won't have to report on my blog how the progress went if I passed or failed. My failure wont become public knowledge. See this is why I have such a commitment phobia! Ugh! What seems like the easiest and simplest thing for some, for me is not. Ok, 6 out of 7 days. (My brain is saying, you could change it now to 5! lol). Nope, sticking with the 6. So, here goes nothing.

Feeling Good

I have to admit, today and yesterday I have been feeling pretty good. A lot more energy, accomplished a fair bit more through out the day, and didn't need to go back to bed. These are all good things. I mean I'm not necessarily FULL of energy, but its a huge improvement, and I will take it. :) I am still having the migraines, which stinks, but hopefully in a few more days that will start looking up too. Today I managed to conquer the mountain of laundry in my basement. It is no longer a permanent fixture there! I was starting to wonder about it. I really really need to get my floors done, but I just dread sweeping so much floor. I need a vacuum for bare floors, that would help! But, until then, I will just have to tackle it, because I can't have dirty floors. I'm still just elated about the 20 something loads of laundry I must have done! And I'm dreading the shovelling that is out in this frozen winterland. (That's the nicest thing I could come up with). If I had any money I would so hire someone to shovel! Number one pet peeve: being cold. For sure! I will take a warm bath 3 times in a day, just to warm up if I have to! lol. Well, back to work, while the energy is still there.

Gratitude

I am so grateful for all the loving support I have been receiving from friends, and family, and almost strangers. It really does make a huge difference, a few kind words of support, or hearing another person's positive outlook brightens my day, fills my heart each day, and carries  me onward. I am truly blessed to have such a wonderful support system and want to thank all of you who have been in touch with me lately and giving me such great words of support. Often times I think of those who carry the spirit with them so strongly and I like to spend time around them, or ask them for guidance. Somehow I figure it will just wear off on me! So far here is some of my favorite things I have heard lately (Mostly thanks to Dawna!):

As children bring their

Broken toys

With tears for us to mend,

I brought my broken

Dreams to God, because

He was my friend.

But then, instead of

Leaving Him,

In peace, to work alone;

I hung around and

Tried to help,

With ways that were my own.

At last, I snatched them

Back and cried, “How can you be so slow?"

"My child," He said,

"What could I do?

You never did let go."

Fill your minds with TRUTH. Fill your hearts with LOVE. Fill your lives with SERVICE. -Monson-

"Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don't come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come."

Here is a few of the talks that I have heard lately as well, that have inspired me, and have come to me, like in answer to prayer. I am so greatful for the counsel of the church, for the guidance and direction it gives us in our lives, so we may never feel lost.

Make Yours a Great Life

By Elder Paul V. Johnson

A Gift Worthy of Added Care

By Elder Neil L. Andersen

Reflections on a Consecrated Life

By Elder D. Todd Christofferson

When the Lord Commands

By Elder Bruce A. Carlson

I am so very grateful for those in my life who have been so very supportive and kind. Thank you for your love and support. It has been just what I need to help me through these hard times, and I appreciate all of you! It has given me the ability to carry a hopeful attitude, and continue to believe in great things to come. THANK YOU!

Who I Work for

Yesterday I put in a full day, as I do every Friday. For those of you who don't know, I own my own cleaning business, Clean Right Advantage.  So I clean houses and stuff for a living. I actually find it very rewarding, which amazes even me. A lot of people often ask me, "How do you do it? I would never be able to clean someone Else's house, I hate to clean even my own!" It is funny, because I still do hate cleaning my own house, but some how I enjoy cleaning other people's houses, or new constructed houses. I find joy in serving others, so I always think about how helpful it is to know that I have taken care of such a detested duty. I know how comforting it is to come into a clean home it is so relaxing and relieving, it brings feelings of peace even. I get to feel like I help with that. :) Every day on my way to the job usually, I say a prayer to Heavenly Father thanking him firstly, for the work I have recieved and then asking him to please bless me. Bless me that I may be guided to know the best ways to do my job efficiently. I don't want to waste my time, or over charge people because of my inefficiency. I ask to be blessed that I may have an eye for detail, so I will see everything that needs to be taken care of, bless me with the strength to work hard and quickly, and to do your will Lord. Then I pray to let God know that my work is for him, and I am there in service of him. I will do his will, and pray that he will see that the job is to his liking. I always do my best when I work to imagine that I am working for him, not the customer, because I am. Heavenly Father gave us our lives, and he expects us to live them to their fullest, taking the most out of every experience. I set my standards at his height, and try my very best to make them attainable. Am I saying the job I do is perfect, like he is? No. But my effort is my very best, most of the time. And I believe that is all he asks of us. It makes me very honored to do my work when I think about it in this way. And I end up enjoying what I do immensely. It is very much like a teenager who has an assignment from his teacher, he works very hard on it and he gets an A. He is happy about his mark. He rushes home to show his parents. He may have completed the assignment at his teacher's request, but he worked really hard on it because he wanted to please his parents. (as I want to please my Heavenly Father.) Besides, the actual work itself isn't all that tough, we all know how to do it, and in reality, it gives me plenty of time to myself to de-stress and listen to music, not have to have a boss breathing down my neck about anything. (Joys of self-employment!). Now, I just realize I really want to teach this to my children, the love of work. The love to serve and honor the Lord. I never realized until now, that we aren't just naturally born with it. :) ha, my bad. I thought we were. So, I guess I have a million things I wish I could parent better on so can I just get a sub? ha ha. I will sit on the bench and watch for a bit how it is done, and then step back in once I get the hang of it. I guess after all that, what I'm trying to say is, I love my job. I love serving the Lord. And I know we all have room to grow especially me, as a parent. (Which is probably pretty typical).

diagnosis

So, I'm sure you are all waiting in mass anticipation, wondering how my appointment went with the doctor today about the fatigue. (OK, so maybe only I was that excited about it) but, I did get a diagnosis, which is good but the diagnosis itself isn't good. Depression. That's right, I've been trying to avoid that horrible word but it seems like it was inevitable. The Doc and I had discussed it about a month ago, because I had become such a basket case, I know hard to believe! lol. But I had said I thought it was totally just situational and would pass as I got myself together and I sorted out a bit of what I was going to do. I mean the first time I spoke to him things had literally just hit the fan a week or so before, so it was so emotional for me, no wonder I could barely hold myself together. Now, I feel totally different, but yet still have symptoms of depression. I am not sad all the time, and I have the desire to get out of bed each day and the desire to take care of my children, I just am lacking somewhere in between the thought and the making my body actually move. It is the strangest depression I have ever experienced. Unfortunately I am no stranger to depression, I have experienced some mild depression in my past but nothing major. The thing is I experienced enough to say that this time is so different in the fact that I'm not really sad, I'm not terribly hopeless, I don't feel totally lost inside. Thankfully because I have come to know Jesus I will always have hope, and I know that God will take care of me and my children. I guess the depression  (geez I hate to even say it) is more effecting me in a physical sense with the fatigue, and the insomnia, and the lack of concentration or memory. Sure I get times where I'm lonely, or emotional but I'm going through a divorce for goodness sakes! Those are normal behaviors! I guess that's why the Doc said, you are depressed, You've earned it. (In a kind way). I've been trying hard to fight it on my own, because nobody wants to be depressed, but I just can't have these things dragging me down anymore. I have enough on my plate with the migraines alone, so I even though I was hesitant, I took the antidepressants, besides they're actually supposed to help with the migraines too. I just hope they don't make me fat. Seriously. lol. They say depression is very common in people who suffer from chronic migraines, that doesn't comfort me very much. I always figured my faith would keep me from depression, but I guess it is just giving me the comfort I need, and the hope but the chemical imbalances are still there. And I'm OK with that. I'm OK with the diagnosis, because I am not totally lost, or out of control. I am still functioning, and hopeful. This too shall pass.

So I find it very interesting as a mother how my children interact. River and Berlyn don't play well together. I'm not sure why, maybe it's the age gap, but River will play well with Elias and just completely Shun Berlyn. So when there are times when River is extremely harsh to Berlyn I will give the consequence that he has to play with her for a half an hour. Just the two of them, and he has to play nice. Yesterday, while I was giving out this consequence River decided to talk back so I doubled it, and he had to serve out his awful sentence today! lol. Here comes the most intriguing part, when it comes time to play together he is enjoying himself, you can tell on his face. They run and play, and laugh. She adores him so much, and looks up to him thoroughly. She would spend every waking minute playing with him if she could, and he would avoid her like the plague if he could, and he does until I force them to spend time. But when I do, its magical, he enjoys it, and is kind. So what gives? Why does he detest her so, until he HAS to play with her? Should I enforce more play time then so he sees how much they can have fun? It isn't just the playing that he doesn't do, he speaks cruelly to her, he is unkind, and finds fault in her words just to argue. I am constantly trying to tell him about being loving, teaching her instead of criticizing, and it can be such a struggle. Now, it feels like she's starting to pass some of his poor behaviors down onto Elias. Almost like, she knows she can't bully River, but she can bully Elias. Although I am not quite sure River's behavior is bullying. (Maybe Berlyn's is...hmmm). It is amazing how as parents we worry about everything and try to adapt and teach and correct behaviors as they arise. I wish there was an eye in the sky for a few days who could tell me how to correct my behaviors. (Like on TV, except not publicly). I think I worry too much. No, I don't worry too much, I worry enough, but act on too little of them.

I have been thinking of ways to make my down time more effective, so when I'm lying in bed, unable to sleep, or migraine ridden, how can I accomplish more. (I told you I was a natural born over-achiever.) So I decided I can start compiling some family home evening activities. I currently don't have any so if I get a migraine or anything comes up on Monday's that puts a time crunch on us, we end up missing our family home evening. And admittedly the guilt is killing me. I am a mother who thinks with all this time on my hands I should be doing lessons daily! So, if I start preparing some lessons it will be easier to get the home evenings done. I found a this great blog too for ideas. Also, I can read to my kids, lots of different stuff. Especially church related stories. I am especially excited for this. Obviously so they learn to love reading and learn the lessons from the stories, but also so that it helps Elias learn to sit still and quiet for a while! He is so not a quiet kid at sacrement! 
I do my best not to lay down for an actual nap with just the little kids around. It makes me feel super guilty, I don't know why. If River is home I can ask him to watch them, and play with them that way I know someone is taking special care but I feel like their being neglected if I go to sleep while their here. That said, I have done it before, and nothing happens, they play nice. I just don't want my children to grow up with memories of a mommy who never got out of bed.

Writing this blog has made me realize I set a lot of goals, I say I want to do a lot of things, but I don't act as much as I should. Hmm. Ok. Time to fix that. Tomorrow.

Ps. I changed the settings on my Blog, so if you want to post a comment on any of the blog entries, you no longer need to be a google account holder. Its open. No more excuses. :)

Clean Sheets

Ok, I have to say it. I love the feeling of fresh, clean sheets. I changed the linens on my bed today, and granted it was a week or two over due, because of the Christmas holidays (I'm usually really good at doing it weekly) but it felt SOOOO GOOD!! I've always loved that feeling. But I do eat in bed, I will snack at night while I'm online, or reading, which totally disgusted my one friend. I think she has OCD though, because I would hate to have to eat at the table all the time. Or is it gross to eat in bed? Well I still am loving every minute of stretching out and enjoying the crisp feel of clean sheets. That must be why In the past I used to keep two sets of bedding choices on hand, including the bedspread and everything. Now I'm down to one, and it has lipstick stains all over it. No, I did not makeout with my blanket. lol. Let's just say a select Grandparent gave my daughter some lipstick, which was a fantastic gift!(insert sarcasm here). So when Shane saw her come home with lipstick he said, Berlyn you shouldn't use that in Mommy's room, and left it at that. Then watched her trott off to play... with her lipstick. She was heading straight for my room with all the other kids. I came home from being out to find my beautiful (expensive) bedspread ruined. :) That is just such typical father behavior. "What, I told her!" Any mother would have seen that and taken it from her right away, and kept it for 'special' play times. I will admit right now Berlyn and I play with makeup, she loves it, we both look like clowns or worse when she's done with us. But I always tell her we're pretty and I always lock up the makeup when we're done! Now back to the good stuff - I think my favorite is when the boys get in on it- yes, I let River and Elias play makeup, but I will say they play more like goofy, and intentionally make silly faces with it, like moustaches and things like that. I enjoy that too. I really need to get a camera, so I could put pictures up of this stuff! :)

The History...

At the end months of my marriage I was really trying hard. Ok, in all the years of my marriage I tried hard. I think I tried harder while I was married than before we were married. Once we joined the church I told myself I would try everything, and work as hard as I possibly could to keep my marriage together. I mean sure in really bad fights I would say I was done, but I didn't mean it. And he knew that. I tried everything. We went to counselling, we went to other counsellors, and we tried seeing the bishop. I read book after book. I PRAYED! I tried praying alone, we tried praying together. Every time I thought I was ready to give up, something else helped me hold on, forgive and keep trying. Because I knew that Heavenly Father wants families to be together forever I struggled so hard with making the choice to leave. People say it takes two to make your marriage work, and they are totally right, but it only takes one to destroy it. He never tried. I'm being honest not one of those angry, one-sided judgemental wives who blame everything on their spouses. But if you're the only one who is trying it is like beating your head against the wall. Especially if your partner has something they need to deal with and they're refusing, or pretending. I'm not saying that I was the perfect wife. No one ever is. I know I have my faults, but I was willing and able at all moments. That is what makes a lasting marriage in my eyes. Also, always be willing and able to keep trying, always be ready to be open, honest and ready to communicate. What kills me inside is that we have 3 beautiful children who will be hurt by a family destroyed because he didn't ever want to put effort in. Now, a person could argue that by showing up at counselling on repeated occasions that is trying on his part, but it's not. That was his way of being amicable, and keeping the peace in the home. You can drag a horse to water but you can't make him drink. That was my husband. There in body and occasionally mind, but not in spirit. To me there is nothing I want more in this life than to have an eternal companion, a stable home, a happy family. I want to live a life pleasing in the eyes of the Lord, working harder each day, to grow closer to him, and to be able to share that growth with my family. I have worked very hard over this last year to try to live a consecrated life, to follow strong values, if you will. Each day of each week I was setting new goals, adding more ways to live a more spiritually fulfilling life. I felt the spirit in my life, and would truly consider each day a blessing. All I wanted was to do the will of the Lord, and to fulfill his work. I was sure if I kept the commandments he would bless me in my life, and I don't just mean materialistically. I would have settled with blessings to heal my husband, or my marriage. I wanted so badly to be able to go to the temple to seal our family together, and I was doing everything I could, but it wasn't only me who needed to be able to go, and he had no desires of working on getting there. My husband and I had been separated for a few months, and he showed signs of trying, so we attempted re-uniting. He found what I thought was a great job; we started renovations on the house, so we could finish the basement which was needed to become foster parents, another dream of mine. I thought the Lord was blessing us! I knew my faith and diligence would always be worth it I thought. I continued to do the things I had been doing before, living the commandments and serving others. The feelings in my heart were amazing, I felt the spirit every day. That warm feeling of love, and happiness. About two months went by, and then everything fell apart. My whole world just crashed. I found out that everything I had thought was happening was a lie, all the changes he was supposedly making, and work he had been doing wasn't so. Literally within the course of an evening my once hopeful marriage had come to an end, and I wasn't sure where I was going to live, how I was going to support myself or my children. I was in debt on our bills and I found out my husband was out of work, so he wouldn't be of any help. I was all alone. With Christmas only a month away I was in total despair, but even more so, I was wondering, "If everything in my marriage and my life is a lie, then where are my blessings? Lord, you promise us blessings, where are mine?" We've made it through Christmas amazingly, with the help of amazing friends and family, and I know that December has definitely brought us blessings of comfort and peace. I just feel like I'm trying so hard and everything I believe in just doesn't seem to be coming together. I know why I try so hard, it's for my kids, but I was once married to my best friend, and now I get to struggle, and fight every day of my life to make everything work. I have all the struggles, and the pain, and the loneliness, and the stress all because he didn't want to try? He didn't want to get himself help? I told myself that I wouldn't slander him on my blog, so I apologize. I feel like He gets off easy and I have all the hard work, the pain the suffering. Like I didn't already have enough struggles in my life with my health? I've gone 5 weeks straight with migraines. And I know they're stress related because of the divorce. (because usually I get days off in between.) So, what can I do? Why did I marry a bum? Ugh. Like as if I don't have enough life challenges I had to pick more? Of course I did, I'm an over achiever and I probably was in the pre-mortal existence too. Dang it! I believe before we came to this earth we chose some of our life's challenges. Some of them we add on while we're here by the stupid choices we make with our free agency. I am still waiting for my blessings, and unfortunately I am losing hope. Try as I might, (and I am, my smarter half keeps telling me to keep the faith!) I have lost that warm feeling, I want it back, but can't find it. I am...failing.