Chocolate

So I learned something really horrible last week. Chocolate triggers migraines for me. Yes, I had learned that was one of the triggers when I had went to the headache clinic last summer, but since I get headaches so frequently I can never pin down food triggers etc. Plus, normally I am not much of a chocolate lover.

UNTIL!!!!

I found Hershey's Cookies and Creme DROPS!

Yes, they are fantastic. Delicious. Make your mouth want to sing. :) But, alas, my pure bliss of chocolaty enjoyment only lasted a few days. I had been eating these delicious little treats at work each day, and suffering through my usual migraines, when on Friday I showed up to work migraine free, feeling great. I started eating a few of these chocolates and it had even crossed my mind right at that very moment, what if this chocolate triggers a migraine? And I thought, naw, I never eat chocolate and I don't even have triggers. So I continued eating a few more, but within 30 minutes I got a migraine!!! Unbelievable. My favorite treat, and my new found love has become my number one enemy within one week. This makes me very sad. So no more chocolate for me. Any kind of chocolate.

Well, even though my mind has thought of many more wonderful things I can blog about, it (being my mind) is also telling me its already 30 minutes past my bedtime. That's right people, my new bedtime is 8:30, pretty sad isn't it? I think it is. So, tired ol' me is off to catch up on some much needed rest after a weekend of cleaning and visiting up in Calgary with my Mom. I had a great time up there. I wish I could go up every 2nd weekend to see her, its so great to visit with her, I truly love my mom. Sometimes (like right now after a visit) I miss living closer to her.

Good night world.

Goodbyes

OK, I know I know, I have been a terrible blogger lately! Since I've been working at this new job for the last two weeks I just haven't found a routine that works for me. I feel like I have absolutely no life. Here is a glimpse of a typical day:

5 am - Get up, get ready
630am - Get kids up and ready
715 am - Load everyone in the car, drop kids at day home, off to work
8 am - Start work. Work, work, work.
5 pm - works done! Drive home.
530pm - pick kids up from day home.
545 pm - Get home, start dinner.
630 pm - Eat dinner.
710 pm - Clean up from dinner, do dishes.
745 pm - Bathe kids
815 pm - Scriptures and bedtime.
830 pm - I'm pooped! Switch the laundry/fold laundry.
9 pm - Have a bath (sometimes), Read scriptures myself.
930pm - Go to bed!

I do enjoy my job, but I already see everything happening that I totally didn't want. My children are fussy, and angry to go to day home. I don't have anytime to keep up with my house, let alone any sort of life. I have no quality time with my kids, and I have lost touch with people in my ward. I even found out I was replaced for visiting teaching. No one even talked to me about it, or anything. I hate working, I hate Shane for destroying my life. I like my job itself, it is good. I know with time I will figure out a way to "manage". But what kind of life is that? Trust me I was raised by a working mom, who worked hard and did all that she could to support us, and I love her with all my heart, but I know that I spent a lot of time wishing she could have been there more. (And I'm sure she wished it too.)

I just am having a bad night, with bad news about losing my visiting teaching partner and the sister's I was visiting. I feel like it was such a waste of time trying to get to know them, so one day they could feel like they could call on me. Well, that day never came, and I didn't help anyone. I just got shuffled away, because I work. I shouldn't even really be on here blogging about it. I just really got to love them all, and am hurt that I will no longer have that with them, just because of my job. (Not that I ever thought VTing was going to be permanent or anything) its just the way it happened.

So, to the sister's I've grown to love and appreciate, Kristin, Tamara and Lisa, I will miss visiting you!

I'm a survivor

Ok, so I started this post LAST week! So I figured I should finish it off and post it!

I had counselling yesterday (not really yesterday now!) and my doctor said something that I really liked and realized to be SO true I just didn't ever realize it, or know how to put it so simply. Because of the life I have lived, and the things I have experienced a lot of normal responses for most people are just reaction to what they learned growing up. I will use a "dummied" down version of what I'm saying. So, if you grew up in the church, you may be accustomed to prayer every day, and this is natural, and normal to you. You don't neccessarily have to REALLY think hard, set goals, and put concentrated effort on it, in order to make sure to pray. You know how important it is, so you do this. Where I did not grow up in the church, so remembering to pray often isn't a natural habit. It is something that needs work. Get what I'm saying? But the analogy isn't so much applying to my gospel life, it was referring to my life coping skills, and my parenting skills, and my ways of handling relationships around me. I'm just saying, I have been dealt a big share of difficulties (to put it lightly) in this life time, and because of my crazy life I don't always auto respond to normal things typically. BuT what I do want to say, is that learning this was enlightening, and a positive thing, at least to me. Because I am the type of person to want to always strive to make myself better, to try to be objective to my faults, and work to change, this statement was encouraging to me. It reminds me, that it may seem harder for me, or more challenging at times to adjust, cope or learn new behaviors because they aren't the norm to me. Which is ok, at least I know that I can do it, it just may take a little longer for me. :)

I'm so glad to be able to set goals, and be working on myself, to be a better me. It is so encouraging (yes self-encouraging!) to know that I can make real changes, that the things I am working on are changing, and making a difference. I find it funny how quickly we de-value our successes in life. If it isn't huge, or noteworthy, or if you haven't recieved accolades for it, we consider it just "everyday life". But there are many successes that we have in this life, that we should celebrate. Like Mother's who read bedtime stories to their children every night. (Or almost everynight) or reading our scriptures daily to our children. These may seem minimal, or just so habitual that they aren't worth being proud of, or celebrating, but they are successes! It is not easy to make, or maintain a routine with children. Its not easy to find the time to spend with them reading them stories. Or the patience, or love.

I realized from something a friend taught me, that their are people out there who dont do these or other daily life things that for me have become routine. And some of them, are things I couldn't manage before, so I'm celebrating my own success in finding a way to make it work in my life. So I have found new happiness in celebrating these things. In doing so I will list a few here that pop into my mind over the last two weeks:

-Getting a load of laundry done BEFORE work (that means at 5am people!), almost every day of the week, and 2-3 loads done after work.

-Working almost a full work week with a flu

-Managing to get out of bed at 5 every day of the work week!

-Getting the kids dressed, ready, and dropped off on time

-Spending one on one time with each of my children every week, sometimes more than once

-Reading the scriptures with my children every night

-Studied my own scriptures almost daily

-Washed my sheets 2-3 times a week. (LOVE THIS ONE!)

-Ensured a decent family home evening occurred every monday over the last 4 weeks. (Thats a record)

So I hope all mothers look at their small deeds and realize these are not just habits, or things you "have" to do, they are successes.

What a week!

Where to begin? First of all, I know I haven't written on here in a week! It has been one hectic week let me tell you! I had the most random opportunity to apply for a great job, so I had to rush to put together a resume. Trust me, after being self-employed for so long, and prior to that, I had been in the same industry for years (not the industry I was applying to now either!) it made for some tough writing on that resume! Good thing writing is one of my strong skills. I know my blog may not show it, but IT IS! So, after spending literally all of Wednesday last week (morning, noon, and night) writing a resume, I managed to walk in and snag myself a great job, with a good company. I'm really excited, because although I really love being self employed (and am going to miss it like crazy) I need something much more stable right now with the divorce and all. Since I have to be a single parent, I need to know that my income is reliable, along with my schedule and having a job history is important too for credit purposes. So right now, I think this is a good thing. Bitter sweet, but good.

So, I haven't been too good with my goals lately. But amazingly I'm not too down about it. My life has been extremely busy, and productive, so its been difficult to fit some things in. I am excited with the new job to have some regularity that I will be able to find a balance within a few weeks, that will work for me. So, for now, I keep them in mind, and I haven't given up on both my short term goals, or my long term ones. One thing I do want to say though, I have stayed fairly consistent with my attempts to hold one-on-one play time with my kids. It hasn't been as often as I would like but it has been occurring. I am so glad to be able to do this, and as I schedule it in, it really shows me how truly rare it was before for each of my children, to receive that singular attention.

This evening was River and I's turn. We waited until after the kids were in bed, and then I let him pick what we should do. At first he wanted to bake. Then he wanted to build, with wood. (Uh... no.) Then out of cardboard. (what cardboard?) So then we built a really awesome fort in the living room. His idea. It was way cooler than me and Berlyn's. It must be a boy thing! lol. After when we got inside I had a chance to talk to him. I let him know if he ever needed to talk he can always talk to me, and that I'll always be there for him. I let him know that the things he is feeling I know what they feel like, because I felt them too, when I was a kid. I also talked to him about how there are lots of other children out there who are going through the same thing as him, and how they feel the same ways. He was really happy to know that he wasn't the only person in the world to feel the way he does. He felt good to know that I might actually understand him. He also was excited when i explained to him about the PACES course. It is a course put on at the family center called Parents And Children Experiencing Separation. He was really happy to hear that he could meet other children going through this. I feel so happy to know that our one-on-one's are already paying off, and that he opened up a bit to me tonight. It has taken a few talks for him to feel comfortable to do that, and I have been so worried about him.

This week has been a real pivotal point for me and my family. I learned a lot about divorce in an LDS marriage, and that there are times when you can feel like it is ok. I learned that I am going to be alright, and that Heavenly father is truly helping carry me right now. I used to absolutely LOVE the footprints poem when I was little, and right now in my life I am reminded of it. I feel like I am being not only carried by him, but protected by him as well.  This week in my life I also have seen how he has been blessing my life continuously, and helping me to get on my feet. I am positive that I am doing the right things, and even though it is hard, and painful at times, I know that I will be stronger, and better for it.

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed He was walking along the beach with the LORD. Across the sky flashed scenes from His life. For each scene He noticed two sets of footprints in the sand. One belonging to Him and the other to the LORD.

When the last scene of His life flashed before Him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of His life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times of His life.

This really bothered Him and He questioned the LORD about it. LORD you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me.

The LORD replied, my precious, precious child, I Love you and I would never leave you! During your times of trial and suffering when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.

Mean Queen

So, today was the first of me and Berlyn's scheduled one on one time. I had set aside one hour during Elias's nap time to play with her. Well from the moment she woke up this morning she started planning for it! Here is the list she sat and had me write out for us to do first thing this morning:

• make a fort make sure to use the couch cushions
• do our makeup
• do our hair
• put on pretty dresses
• play pretend and send her to England
• Read a story
• bake a cake
• play tickle monster (I made this one go at the end since it was too noisy for nap time, she wanted to play only this for the hour!)

So after we made our list for the day, our morning was filled with "how long till Elias's nap mom?" So I decided maybe we needed some things to do. Elias, Berlyn and I worked on some crafty projects making some very pretty Thank You letters that were long over due from Christmas. Which took us about an hour using some fabric, glitter glue, and paper. I will still need to write in the main body of the letter later when the glue dries but I'm glad we got that project done, and that the kids and I spent the valued time together. I want to try to teach my children some of the forgotten old fashion values like thank you notes. I know I haven't always been good at this myself but if I start now, and do them with my kids I think it is such a kind gesture, and it requires more effort than just a phone call to a person to thank them. I believe it shows them that you are genuinely thankful, because even if you went out and bought the card, you had to go out of your way, read through the cards, buy one, write in it, seal it, either deliver it yourself, or mail it. I prefer to mail them even because happy mail feels special and is exciting.

Anyways, back to the day, so after our crafts, Berlyn, Elias and I did the dishes, and finally Elias went down for his nap! Then it was time. We took out our very best dresses, Berlyn picked mine, and had me put it on, and she wore one of her dress up dresses. She was a PRINCESS, I was the MEAN QUEEN! First we adorned ourselves with jewelry, then I had to send her off to England! lol. We managed to play pretend for the afternoon, probably spent about 2 hours playing pretend, doing her makeup, and building a fort together. It was a lot of fun. We even had a snack in the fort in the living room. I really wanted to take a picture of Berlyn with her makeup and one of our really cool fort, but dang it, still I don't have a camera! I wish Shane would just leave his here. But most importantly, what I wanted to say, was that, I made sure through out the day, to live in the moment and listen to what Berlyn was saying. I was present when my children were speaking to me, and when I really was pre-occupied I stopped, and explained I would need a few minutes to do what I was doing, before I could give them the attention they were looking for. It upset Berlyn (because she is used to me always listening- or pretending to) but she accepted it. I think when she gets older she will appreciate it, because I know I cannot fool River with false listening, he would be, and is hurt if I do it to him. He just walks away, feeling like no one cares about what he is saying. So, I don't do that to him, I let him know to hold his thought, and I finish what I'm doing and then turn my attention to him. Now I just need to schedule regular one on one's with River, and Elias, and I will be on a roll! :)


Later I had a small incident (which has become a problem) with Berlyn lying when I asked her if she had written on an important paper. It wasn't the paper I was worried about, it was the lying. I have been trying to nip this lying in the bud for a while, and have tried a few different approaches and nothing seems to be working. I have tried explaining the principles of it, and how heavenly father commands us to be honest, and we want to make him and our parents proud. That it is wrong to tell a lie, or to say something that isn't true, even if we are scared we will get in trouble. I have tried giving her the easy way out, like saying, (in a very nice tone) Berlyn, I know that you did write on the paper, are you lying to me because you feel afraid you will get in trouble? So that way she knows that I understand why her first instinct was to lie, but that it is unnecessary to continue the lie. Then I would continue that conversation with the explanation about what the understanding is for the next time etc. Still no change in behaviour. So now, I've resorted to explaining that, here is what the consequence would have been if you told the truth, but since you lied, this is the much more severe consequence. The only problem is trying to make it seem relative. Like with writing on my paper. I probably wouldn't have given her a consequence at all, I just would have said please don't. But, since she lied I told her that she would have to wash two sinks full of dishes by herself. (We were going to do them together.) She was devastated, but I didn't know what else to do. So, lets hope this latest method is going to start to work.

3 little lives

Tonight I went to the Parenting After Seperation course part 1. I must admit I found most of the information I already knew, but it was still useful. It was like a reminder, that no matter what the kids come first, and to always make everything in the divorce about what is best for your kids. But like I said it was a REMINDER. I listened to some sad stories though, from children whose lives have been torn apart. It has encouraged me to become an even more attentive parent to my children. It also reminded me that no matter what I'm going through, my kids are going through the same thing except they don't have anyone they can talk to, and they don't know how to identify most of what they are feeling, and it was a complete and total shock to them! So even though I feel that I have been there for them, I want to be there for them even more so. I want to set up a schedule for specific one on one time with each individual child, at least twice a week. I want to be present in the moment more. See here for me, this is the part where I believe I am so honest with myself, because even as I write that I can see that, that is easier said than done. Being present in the moment each day, while I'm trying to get through my own grieving process, and adjust to being a single mom of three kids, and find ways to cope with financial hardships, and deal with migraines and do everyday things isn't easy. Especially because I have to admit to myself I've never really been good with that personal quality in the first place. I am not as attentive as I should be. I do the ya, uh huh. Wow, that's so cool. While, I busily cook dinner, or try to finish what ever it is I am already working on. That type of communication isn't benefiting my children enough, and I know this. That is why it is on my list to change! :) Now don't get me wrong, I do take time out, and sit and listen to them, and play with them, etc. I just realized from this course that they need even more time, and more individual attention. There are so many things each day that make me fear that I'm insufficient as a parent. You know there are so many jobs that we can get wrong in this life time that don't matter. I manage a store and get fired, and it will not really affect anything any different. (hypothetically- so far it hasn't happened!) But if I mess up as a parent, I screw up 3 human beings for a lifetime. That is a serious serious thought. Its overwhelming. I think they should really teach this to teens in high school, grade 10. Maybe they should outline the list of mental illnesses and the major influencing factors to a lot of them is the environment the child is raised in. Or how divorce increases the odds of addiction in children. (True fact). Talk about pressure. I just hope that I have thought about my role enough lately to motivate these thoughts from thoughts to actions. My biggest character flaw... I think to much, act too little.

If you're goin through hell

Ok, Ok, So I'm not doing very good at any of my goals. Eek! Wait! That is not entirely true. I have been working at my self worth by going to counselling, and changing the way I look at myself. I value the efforts I put in, and try not to expect perfection. As for the parenting goal, I haven't taken another step in the book yet, and the third goal...what was it again??? Oh my goodness, I even had to look it up again, that is how dedicated I have been to it! It was to be better at keeping my books up to date for my business! Oops. Well, on a negative/positive note, I haven't done any business to keep my books up to date! lol. So other than inputting a couple receipts for supplies I purchased, I don't have any other book keeping to do. Oh, and year end for last year! (Which will be a huge task reconciling everything!) On the positive note, I still consider January 31 an OK target to keep my books on track, as long as I do it monthly that should be fair for the amount of business I'm doing right now. Anyways, I also should mention I know I may have publicly stated that I was going to read my scriptures and study them with my study guide for 6 out of 7 days, but I haven't done it once! Oopsy! Queen of procrastination right here! I may just be the worst goal setter ever! This doesn't mean that I'm giving up, it just means that I need to set a more realistic goal, one that I can achieve. I am not going to make any public statements, because I don't know exactly what my plan is as of yet, but I am going to adjust those numbers and try again gosh darn it! :)


So I've come to a realization this last week that it's time I start thinking about re-entering the job market. That's right, going back to an old fashion JOB. I don't want to but I need to pay the bills some how, and I want to get on with my life, not live in poverty for ever. So I'm sure once I find a way to be financially independent it will help me to be able to better process the divorce or experience the "mourning" process if you will. They say there actually is that process to go through, if you can believe it. I can. And I have been prolonging it, but staying here, trying not to move from where I'm at for fear of the unknown, for fear of failure, fear I couldn't do it on my own. But now that I'm feeling better those fears are gone and I know I'll be fine I just need to get moving. It's like one of my favorite songs "If you're going through Hell..." by Rodney Atkins. It says in the lyrics (in case you're not much of a country music fan!) "if you're going through hell, keep on going, don't slow down. If you're scared don't show it. You might get out before the devil even knows your there". Its a good tune. Always reminds me, that when times are tough its no reason to stop and cry, or wallow in my pain, this is the worst place to stop, I should start running, so that way I can get on to happier places and higher ground faster! :) I'm going to try to figure out how to add a music player to my blog.


Ok, so I liked it so much I added the lyrics below, I highly recommend reading it, but I'm one of those people who listen to the lyrics of most songs, before I decide if I like them or not. So, even if you may be thinking there's that H-E-double hockey sticks (LL) in there a lot I think its an appropriate usage of the word. So, use your own discretion.  

Well you know those times
When you feel like there's a sign there on your back
Says I don't mind if ya kick me
Seems like everybody has
Things go from bad to worse
You'd think they can't get worse than that
And then they do

You step off the straight and narrow
And you don't know where you are
Use the needle of your compass
To sew up your broken heart
Ask directions from a genie
In a bottle of Jim Beam
And she lies to you
That's when you learn the truth

If you're going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared, don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Well I been deep down in that darkness
I been down to my last match
Felt a hundred different demons
Breathing fire down my back
And I knew that if I stumbled
I'd fall right into the trap that they were laying, yeahBut the good news
Is there's angels everywhere out on the street
Holding out a hand to pull you back up on your feet
The one's that you've been dragging for so long
You're on your knees
You might as well be praying
Guess what I'm saying

If you're scared don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Yeah, If you're going through hell
Keep on moving, face that fire
Walk right through it You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're thereIf your going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down