Oh life...

So things in my life have changed immensely over the last couple of months. I cannot even begin to describe the life changes, the trauma, and the struggles I have been going through. I never would have thought I would have done so well through these times, and I never ever would have imagined anything like this happening in my life, especially for a second time. For those of you who don't know what has been going on, I'm sorry, you will not learn about it in this posting. BUT, stay tuned I will talk about it in the future, as my blog goes private in a few days. I just need every one's email addresses so I can add them for those of you who are not sure how to "follow".(I still love you Kristen).

So back to the point of my story, (which was actually mostly from an email I sent, which made me realize this is good stuff, I should share it!) with all that has been going on I must admit, its been way too long since I've had social interaction, so the other night I went and did my visiting Teaching in my new ward and it was really nice to just meet people! I feel bad though, the visit ended up being all about me! I think we owe her a re-do or something! lol. I am feeling quite guilty. Its supposed to be about seeing how she's doing, and what she needs - I was just yapping away!! She is a quiet girl though, very nice. I hope I can find a way to connect with her, and be a good visiting teacher.

Are you upset little friend? Have you been lying awake worrying? Well, don’t worry... I’m here. The floods will recede, the famine will end, the sun will shine tomorrow, and I will always be here to take care of you.

– Charlie Brown to Snoopy

I have to admit, I am still spiritually weak, and I don't know how good I am to anyone right now. Its kind of like the lesson my partner gave - if we aren't keeping our own faith up, how can we build strong families or do the rest of the things the relief society was intended to do? So I'm still working on step one. It wasn't always that way. I used to be so strong... so good. I guess that must be why the promptings in my heart and the spirit still speaks to me so loudly. I often have this feeling, telling me that I should be doing more of the right things, like reading my scriptures, and having my family home evenings. I have even almost abandoned personal prayer. Not because I don't believe, but because I don't feel worthy. I still occasionally do pray, I am just the kind of person who feels like, how can I ask anything of Heavenly father when I know that I have done nothing to show to him that I am walking on his path? Heck, I'm not walking his path lately. I have been doing things I shouldn't (well, a little, kinda) Like breaking the sabbath, and missed my Tithing and swearing, and STUFF.

For me, after I joined the church, I had my true conversion of heart a year ago, when my marriage was falling apart, my whole life was actually in chaos. I had nothing to lose but to try it out. Try to do all these demanding commandments, and "boring" scripture study (which I love and enjoy now) and time consuming church commitments. I really needed answers to prayers in my life at that time, and I needed the blessings the Lord had to offer. Mostly, I really needed his help, by way of guidance in answer to my prayers, and comfort. In the first few weeks, I read my scriptures daily, and would pray often. I also began reading other church material, and LDS books. I studied books to help me understand the scriptures, and I prayed some more. Still no answers. Still Chaos. I figured I must not be righteous enough, or following the commandments enough for the blessings which I seek, so I searched out all the commandments I could, and one by one, I started adding in more, and more. I was trying to follow each to the best of my ability. Early to bed, Early to Rise...Ate less meat...Did TONS of service work... Prayed from my heart a gazillion times a day. I began to feel a difference in my life. I felt joy and peace in my heart. Not one circumstance had changed for the better, but a calm peace and understanding had washed over me, to tell me every thing would be fine. I carried this wonderful peace with me for weeks. I felt the spirit with me everywhere I went. Eventually circumstances in my life did start changing too, my children were more well behaved too, which was huge. What made me finally realize that I knew and still know this gospel is true was in the trial and the "just doing it" phase. When you just give it a try, put your faith on the line, do the commandment and wait for the PROMISED blessings they will come. That's why they are promised. He does not lie to us. 

Now, Those times in my life are gone, that peace has left my heart, and lately I get a lot of emptiness in my heart instead. Like I heard in one of my favorite talks "My Soul Hungered...and my stomach growled"

I am in a place of needing a spiritual fill-up. My gas tank is empty, and without filling it by reading my scriptures daily and nurturing my soul, I have caused this feeling to come about in me...so if I am so smart, so strong in my faith in my heart (way deep down in side) then Why won't I just change my actions? PLEASE tell me... WHY won't I just start doing what I need to do to feel better, to create better and to be prosperous and happy? Sometimes the first few steps are the hardest. I have been looking for a few pushes here and there to help get me going. 

I just keep thinking, wow I have been so off track, I haven't been doing the things I should, like prayer, or scriptures, or fasting etc. Yet I still have such a STRONG feeling of the spirit encouraging and guiding me to do what is right, to come back to following the commandments and reading my scriptures etc. For this to be happening Heavenly father must really love me, and he must have a plan for me, one that I don't know of, that he really doesn't want me to ruin with my agency by choosing to walk away, and "live the fun life".

Well, I guess if I put it that way, I think I should smarten up hey? before I wreck something great.