Freakin out

Ok, So I usually write on my blog and feel much better after relaying some info, and reflecting my feelings. Its actually very theraputic for me. I usually end up realizing things I didn't see before. Ok, I still do, but today I realized a whole lot of scary stuff. After I wrote my post this morning, I called my mom and told her about it, and then I headed off to work. I have spent the day lost... in total panic. What if I died? What could happen to me? How am I going to get through this? Why now? I'm all alone. My stress levels were already at the peak, but I was handling them (just barely) but now this has thrown me over the edge. I could hardly work today. All I could think was

A tumor. In my Brain.

The stress was doing me in. The migraine I had today was out of control. So I called someone I knew, who turned out to be a college prof on this stuff. She knows all about human anatomy and right now she's teaching about hormones and the brain etc. Another strange coincindence her daughter in-law has a brain tumor. So we talked, a lot. She knew a lot about what I was telling her. Its a pituitary tumor or cyst. (I knew that). After laying out the history for her, she was concerned. There has been a lot of direct hormonal changes that are directly linked to the hormones that are released from the area the lump is. Also, the problems I was telling her I have experienced in the last 18 months, aren't typical from a migraine but do sound typical to this  section of the brain - NOT A GOOD SIGN. Like how I already am experiencing vision problems. If this was a cyst that I was born with (which is the other option they had suggested) then it wouldn't be wreaking havok with any of these other things in my brain, and all of those symptoms are just "co-incidental?" hmm. I guess I wait till tuesday to find out more information from the neurologist directly.

 Longest 6 days of my life.

 (Probably not, but still Way TOO LONG!)

See, I have stress at work, not normal every day stress (I'm too tired to get into it, but its a gooder) plus some serious financial difficulties going on right now, totally stressing me out day to day. Due to the last 3 weeks being unmanagebly difficult migraines I haven't been keeping up with the house work or unpacking so the to-do list around here is stressing me out. (I'm just one of those people where the mess=stress). Not to mention the divorce and custody battle going on too, and my poor stressed out children who aren't totally adjusting well. One who's acting out from it all. Losing all my friends from having to flee a domestic "situation" and move out of my community and get an emergency protection order. I could handle all of it until this.

I hit my breaking point when I heard

LUMP IN YOUR BRAIN.

What the heck did I do?

How am I supposed to go through this alone? Why am I going through this alone now? This has honestly pushed me over the edge. I just can't handle the stress of everything in my life PLUS a possible brain tumor. You know just saying it, sounds like a lie, it sounds like tv or something. I don't know how to handle this. How on earth do they expect me to sit in anticipation of answers for another 6 months? My friend thinks I should insist on 3 months, especially with the way things have progressed.

I have a million questions. Can you die from brain surgery? How long does it take? What is the recovery like? How long will they wait once they find out that it is a tumor before they decide to operate? I don't want enlarged hands, feet, ears, jaw. I don't want to go blind. I don't want migraines everyday any more. Chronic fatigue. Are there side effects left over after they remove it?

Why me? Why now? I was being so strong. I really was trying so hard.