What a week!

Where to begin? First of all, I know I haven't written on here in a week! It has been one hectic week let me tell you! I had the most random opportunity to apply for a great job, so I had to rush to put together a resume. Trust me, after being self-employed for so long, and prior to that, I had been in the same industry for years (not the industry I was applying to now either!) it made for some tough writing on that resume! Good thing writing is one of my strong skills. I know my blog may not show it, but IT IS! So, after spending literally all of Wednesday last week (morning, noon, and night) writing a resume, I managed to walk in and snag myself a great job, with a good company. I'm really excited, because although I really love being self employed (and am going to miss it like crazy) I need something much more stable right now with the divorce and all. Since I have to be a single parent, I need to know that my income is reliable, along with my schedule and having a job history is important too for credit purposes. So right now, I think this is a good thing. Bitter sweet, but good.

So, I haven't been too good with my goals lately. But amazingly I'm not too down about it. My life has been extremely busy, and productive, so its been difficult to fit some things in. I am excited with the new job to have some regularity that I will be able to find a balance within a few weeks, that will work for me. So, for now, I keep them in mind, and I haven't given up on both my short term goals, or my long term ones. One thing I do want to say though, I have stayed fairly consistent with my attempts to hold one-on-one play time with my kids. It hasn't been as often as I would like but it has been occurring. I am so glad to be able to do this, and as I schedule it in, it really shows me how truly rare it was before for each of my children, to receive that singular attention.

This evening was River and I's turn. We waited until after the kids were in bed, and then I let him pick what we should do. At first he wanted to bake. Then he wanted to build, with wood. (Uh... no.) Then out of cardboard. (what cardboard?) So then we built a really awesome fort in the living room. His idea. It was way cooler than me and Berlyn's. It must be a boy thing! lol. After when we got inside I had a chance to talk to him. I let him know if he ever needed to talk he can always talk to me, and that I'll always be there for him. I let him know that the things he is feeling I know what they feel like, because I felt them too, when I was a kid. I also talked to him about how there are lots of other children out there who are going through the same thing as him, and how they feel the same ways. He was really happy to know that he wasn't the only person in the world to feel the way he does. He felt good to know that I might actually understand him. He also was excited when i explained to him about the PACES course. It is a course put on at the family center called Parents And Children Experiencing Separation. He was really happy to hear that he could meet other children going through this. I feel so happy to know that our one-on-one's are already paying off, and that he opened up a bit to me tonight. It has taken a few talks for him to feel comfortable to do that, and I have been so worried about him.

This week has been a real pivotal point for me and my family. I learned a lot about divorce in an LDS marriage, and that there are times when you can feel like it is ok. I learned that I am going to be alright, and that Heavenly father is truly helping carry me right now. I used to absolutely LOVE the footprints poem when I was little, and right now in my life I am reminded of it. I feel like I am being not only carried by him, but protected by him as well.  This week in my life I also have seen how he has been blessing my life continuously, and helping me to get on my feet. I am positive that I am doing the right things, and even though it is hard, and painful at times, I know that I will be stronger, and better for it.

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed He was walking along the beach with the LORD. Across the sky flashed scenes from His life. For each scene He noticed two sets of footprints in the sand. One belonging to Him and the other to the LORD.

When the last scene of His life flashed before Him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of His life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times of His life.

This really bothered Him and He questioned the LORD about it. LORD you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me.

The LORD replied, my precious, precious child, I Love you and I would never leave you! During your times of trial and suffering when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.

Mean Queen

So, today was the first of me and Berlyn's scheduled one on one time. I had set aside one hour during Elias's nap time to play with her. Well from the moment she woke up this morning she started planning for it! Here is the list she sat and had me write out for us to do first thing this morning:

• make a fort make sure to use the couch cushions
• do our makeup
• do our hair
• put on pretty dresses
• play pretend and send her to England
• Read a story
• bake a cake
• play tickle monster (I made this one go at the end since it was too noisy for nap time, she wanted to play only this for the hour!)

So after we made our list for the day, our morning was filled with "how long till Elias's nap mom?" So I decided maybe we needed some things to do. Elias, Berlyn and I worked on some crafty projects making some very pretty Thank You letters that were long over due from Christmas. Which took us about an hour using some fabric, glitter glue, and paper. I will still need to write in the main body of the letter later when the glue dries but I'm glad we got that project done, and that the kids and I spent the valued time together. I want to try to teach my children some of the forgotten old fashion values like thank you notes. I know I haven't always been good at this myself but if I start now, and do them with my kids I think it is such a kind gesture, and it requires more effort than just a phone call to a person to thank them. I believe it shows them that you are genuinely thankful, because even if you went out and bought the card, you had to go out of your way, read through the cards, buy one, write in it, seal it, either deliver it yourself, or mail it. I prefer to mail them even because happy mail feels special and is exciting.

Anyways, back to the day, so after our crafts, Berlyn, Elias and I did the dishes, and finally Elias went down for his nap! Then it was time. We took out our very best dresses, Berlyn picked mine, and had me put it on, and she wore one of her dress up dresses. She was a PRINCESS, I was the MEAN QUEEN! First we adorned ourselves with jewelry, then I had to send her off to England! lol. We managed to play pretend for the afternoon, probably spent about 2 hours playing pretend, doing her makeup, and building a fort together. It was a lot of fun. We even had a snack in the fort in the living room. I really wanted to take a picture of Berlyn with her makeup and one of our really cool fort, but dang it, still I don't have a camera! I wish Shane would just leave his here. But most importantly, what I wanted to say, was that, I made sure through out the day, to live in the moment and listen to what Berlyn was saying. I was present when my children were speaking to me, and when I really was pre-occupied I stopped, and explained I would need a few minutes to do what I was doing, before I could give them the attention they were looking for. It upset Berlyn (because she is used to me always listening- or pretending to) but she accepted it. I think when she gets older she will appreciate it, because I know I cannot fool River with false listening, he would be, and is hurt if I do it to him. He just walks away, feeling like no one cares about what he is saying. So, I don't do that to him, I let him know to hold his thought, and I finish what I'm doing and then turn my attention to him. Now I just need to schedule regular one on one's with River, and Elias, and I will be on a roll! :)


Later I had a small incident (which has become a problem) with Berlyn lying when I asked her if she had written on an important paper. It wasn't the paper I was worried about, it was the lying. I have been trying to nip this lying in the bud for a while, and have tried a few different approaches and nothing seems to be working. I have tried explaining the principles of it, and how heavenly father commands us to be honest, and we want to make him and our parents proud. That it is wrong to tell a lie, or to say something that isn't true, even if we are scared we will get in trouble. I have tried giving her the easy way out, like saying, (in a very nice tone) Berlyn, I know that you did write on the paper, are you lying to me because you feel afraid you will get in trouble? So that way she knows that I understand why her first instinct was to lie, but that it is unnecessary to continue the lie. Then I would continue that conversation with the explanation about what the understanding is for the next time etc. Still no change in behaviour. So now, I've resorted to explaining that, here is what the consequence would have been if you told the truth, but since you lied, this is the much more severe consequence. The only problem is trying to make it seem relative. Like with writing on my paper. I probably wouldn't have given her a consequence at all, I just would have said please don't. But, since she lied I told her that she would have to wash two sinks full of dishes by herself. (We were going to do them together.) She was devastated, but I didn't know what else to do. So, lets hope this latest method is going to start to work.

3 little lives

Tonight I went to the Parenting After Seperation course part 1. I must admit I found most of the information I already knew, but it was still useful. It was like a reminder, that no matter what the kids come first, and to always make everything in the divorce about what is best for your kids. But like I said it was a REMINDER. I listened to some sad stories though, from children whose lives have been torn apart. It has encouraged me to become an even more attentive parent to my children. It also reminded me that no matter what I'm going through, my kids are going through the same thing except they don't have anyone they can talk to, and they don't know how to identify most of what they are feeling, and it was a complete and total shock to them! So even though I feel that I have been there for them, I want to be there for them even more so. I want to set up a schedule for specific one on one time with each individual child, at least twice a week. I want to be present in the moment more. See here for me, this is the part where I believe I am so honest with myself, because even as I write that I can see that, that is easier said than done. Being present in the moment each day, while I'm trying to get through my own grieving process, and adjust to being a single mom of three kids, and find ways to cope with financial hardships, and deal with migraines and do everyday things isn't easy. Especially because I have to admit to myself I've never really been good with that personal quality in the first place. I am not as attentive as I should be. I do the ya, uh huh. Wow, that's so cool. While, I busily cook dinner, or try to finish what ever it is I am already working on. That type of communication isn't benefiting my children enough, and I know this. That is why it is on my list to change! :) Now don't get me wrong, I do take time out, and sit and listen to them, and play with them, etc. I just realized from this course that they need even more time, and more individual attention. There are so many things each day that make me fear that I'm insufficient as a parent. You know there are so many jobs that we can get wrong in this life time that don't matter. I manage a store and get fired, and it will not really affect anything any different. (hypothetically- so far it hasn't happened!) But if I mess up as a parent, I screw up 3 human beings for a lifetime. That is a serious serious thought. Its overwhelming. I think they should really teach this to teens in high school, grade 10. Maybe they should outline the list of mental illnesses and the major influencing factors to a lot of them is the environment the child is raised in. Or how divorce increases the odds of addiction in children. (True fact). Talk about pressure. I just hope that I have thought about my role enough lately to motivate these thoughts from thoughts to actions. My biggest character flaw... I think to much, act too little.

If you're goin through hell

Ok, Ok, So I'm not doing very good at any of my goals. Eek! Wait! That is not entirely true. I have been working at my self worth by going to counselling, and changing the way I look at myself. I value the efforts I put in, and try not to expect perfection. As for the parenting goal, I haven't taken another step in the book yet, and the third goal...what was it again??? Oh my goodness, I even had to look it up again, that is how dedicated I have been to it! It was to be better at keeping my books up to date for my business! Oops. Well, on a negative/positive note, I haven't done any business to keep my books up to date! lol. So other than inputting a couple receipts for supplies I purchased, I don't have any other book keeping to do. Oh, and year end for last year! (Which will be a huge task reconciling everything!) On the positive note, I still consider January 31 an OK target to keep my books on track, as long as I do it monthly that should be fair for the amount of business I'm doing right now. Anyways, I also should mention I know I may have publicly stated that I was going to read my scriptures and study them with my study guide for 6 out of 7 days, but I haven't done it once! Oopsy! Queen of procrastination right here! I may just be the worst goal setter ever! This doesn't mean that I'm giving up, it just means that I need to set a more realistic goal, one that I can achieve. I am not going to make any public statements, because I don't know exactly what my plan is as of yet, but I am going to adjust those numbers and try again gosh darn it! :)


So I've come to a realization this last week that it's time I start thinking about re-entering the job market. That's right, going back to an old fashion JOB. I don't want to but I need to pay the bills some how, and I want to get on with my life, not live in poverty for ever. So I'm sure once I find a way to be financially independent it will help me to be able to better process the divorce or experience the "mourning" process if you will. They say there actually is that process to go through, if you can believe it. I can. And I have been prolonging it, but staying here, trying not to move from where I'm at for fear of the unknown, for fear of failure, fear I couldn't do it on my own. But now that I'm feeling better those fears are gone and I know I'll be fine I just need to get moving. It's like one of my favorite songs "If you're going through Hell..." by Rodney Atkins. It says in the lyrics (in case you're not much of a country music fan!) "if you're going through hell, keep on going, don't slow down. If you're scared don't show it. You might get out before the devil even knows your there". Its a good tune. Always reminds me, that when times are tough its no reason to stop and cry, or wallow in my pain, this is the worst place to stop, I should start running, so that way I can get on to happier places and higher ground faster! :) I'm going to try to figure out how to add a music player to my blog.


Ok, so I liked it so much I added the lyrics below, I highly recommend reading it, but I'm one of those people who listen to the lyrics of most songs, before I decide if I like them or not. So, even if you may be thinking there's that H-E-double hockey sticks (LL) in there a lot I think its an appropriate usage of the word. So, use your own discretion.  

Well you know those times
When you feel like there's a sign there on your back
Says I don't mind if ya kick me
Seems like everybody has
Things go from bad to worse
You'd think they can't get worse than that
And then they do

You step off the straight and narrow
And you don't know where you are
Use the needle of your compass
To sew up your broken heart
Ask directions from a genie
In a bottle of Jim Beam
And she lies to you
That's when you learn the truth

If you're going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared, don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Well I been deep down in that darkness
I been down to my last match
Felt a hundred different demons
Breathing fire down my back
And I knew that if I stumbled
I'd fall right into the trap that they were laying, yeahBut the good news
Is there's angels everywhere out on the street
Holding out a hand to pull you back up on your feet
The one's that you've been dragging for so long
You're on your knees
You might as well be praying
Guess what I'm saying

If you're scared don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Yeah, If you're going through hell
Keep on moving, face that fire
Walk right through it You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're thereIf your going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down

A quick bit

Things I've learned about myself...

I need others too much sometimes

I don't ask for help when I should sometimes

I'm a perfectionist, and a procrastinator but not always

I am a better mom than I realize

I should give myself more credit than I do

I need to do more things to teach my children about the gospel

I am afraid of commitment and that comes from being a perfectionist

I use shopping to make me feel good, and that's not good.

I am fortunate enough to know that all my weaknesses are only opportunity areas

I love life, and I need to start living in the now,

not waiting for this to pass and a better life to come along.

Berlyn's Big Day!

Ok, So yesterday was Berlyn's Birthday! I apologize now, but I will post pics later. She turned 5 years old! I am just so amazed at how fast my little girl has grown up already, it truly does feel like it is happening in the blink of an eye. I am so proud to say that every day, I see her becoming more and more loving, and caring. We celebrated her day with a small little party in the morning, which worked out well since I was hosting play group anyways (OK, maybe I planned it that way!). Then She had preschool in the afternoon, where they gave her special attention, with a happy birthday crown and let her pick a special prize, she picked a tiara of course. Then when she got home again, we just hung out as a family the four of us. She kept saying, this has been such an amazing day hey mom? I had such a special day. I am the special birthday girl. So I am so glad that even though I felt like we didn't do anything spectacular this year, she still felt it, in our love and attention. We did have a pinata, which was a ton of fun for all the kids, and provided them all with something to take home with them. I am sorry to all the mothers who had children who were all wound up on sugar for the rest of the day! :) Berlyn and Elias on the other hand still have candy here. Its kind of ridiculous.

I have to share my favorite part of the whole day!

 Berlyn noticed Elias was sitting by himself pouting in the corner, so she asked him what was wrong. (I already knew why he was there.) He told her he was sad because he didn't get any presents. So she said "It's OK Elias, you can have one of my presents." and she went over, and picked out one of her unwrapped gifts, having no clue what was in any of them yet, and gave it to him! What a kind hearted thing to do! Elias was so happy after that. So, I told Elias to thank her and give her a hug, which he did, but I also made him wait until it was time to unwrap gifts to open his as well. Otherwise I knew he was just going to keep wanting more presents. He had the toughest time not opening his present, but he managed, and it went well. I was so proud of Berlyn's charity. I told her how proud her Heavenly Father is of her too. She didn't just let him open it for her, she let him keep the gift inside too. (Good thing it didn't turn out to be a barbie!) That is a tough thing for a lot of people to do, not just a child. I love her so much!

Later in the evening I ended up getting a sudden onset severe migraine around 530pm, and I felt horrible, because just as it was coming on, Berlyn said to me "Mommy, lets do something fun together, just you and me for my Birthday!" I felt terrible, because I couldn't even move without vomiting, and here it was her special day, and she wanted me! This is what makes bad memories for kids, when there mommies couldn't be there for them on their big days! So I explained to her about my headache, and asked her what other fun thing she would like to do, anything at all that didn't involve me (sounds so terrible) and I would try to let her do it. So she picked tracing on her new Tinkerbell fashion tracing toy. Then I called her dad over to play with her, so she wouldn't feel left out. I must say, at times like that, I'm really grateful that Shane and I keep an amicable friendship. Berlyn wasn't sad for one moment. I rested for an hour, and then her Dad left, and her and I cooked dinner together in the dark (almost) just the two of us. (The migraine still around, but the nausea was gone.)

All in all I think she did end up having a really special day, and I hope her memories of it, turn out as great as mine were. I am so amazed at her positive and loving attitude,

I was blessed when God gave me her.

sabotage

Wonderful Day!

Today was really good! Migraine free! That is right people, migraine free!

I still had an aura (so cloudy vision) but no pain! Everyday is getting better for how I've been feeling it seems, thank goodness. I am so happy about that, and tomorrow is Berlyn's big birthday party. Ok, maybe its not so big, but it should be fun. I'm pretty excited about it. I think she's going to grow up to be a lot like her mama! She has managed to ask three people for a dress for her birthday, she loves barbies and she changes  her clothes 3-4 times a day. Berlyn has a love for make up and posing in pictures like a model.



I told you she LOVES to do her make up!



So today was definitely a very productive day. I learned a lot about myself. I went to counselling, and realized a few things about how to increase my self worth. It increases by setting goals, and accomplishing them and realizing that for myself, and doing this repeatedly over time. As well as celebrating this success. As I sat there in counselling I didn't talk about this part, but in my head I came to realize for so many years I have placed my self worth in the hands of others. If people liked me, I valued myself. So, the more friends I had, the more outside praise I received the better I felt about myself. If I was in a time where I moved, or friends were transitioning, I felt low, or worthless. If I didn't receive any exterior praise for anything for long periods of time, like when I didn't work I felt low as well. This was also why I could never be alone (or single). So, now I've joined the Church, and I have Jesus, and the Love of Heavenly Father in my life. I don't view things the same anymore, but it is interesting to see how volatile my self worth was, and how that could effect the decisions I was making in my life. I am so glad to have the church, but I also want to love myself to the highest degree (healthily) where I feel confident to assert myself. I also learned that I need to work on some cognitive behavioral changes, to help with asserting myself, but this is all good, and going to help me. I was thinking about how setting goals was a part of self worth and I thought, I have set a lot of goals in my life, and I usually procrastinate (there's that P word!) or walk away from them, from fear of failure! What does that say? lol. No wonder I have such low self worth, I have been sabotaging myself for years! I am so elated to feel like I can work on myself continually, trying to become a better person all the time. I am not afraid to admit I have areas to work on because I know we all do, that is why the Lord sent us here, because we are imperfect. I am so humble, and I share my experiences to help humanize me, so maybe one day others may realize I too am just human, and not be afraid to befriend me. I feel great that I am working on my goal though, and I hope that I continue to work on it. I guess after hearing about what does create stronger self worth it makes me think twice about how much effort I will put in to my new year's resolutions. I am also going to set some shorter term goals.

I always believe it's easiest to start small, and work your way up! So, I will start by tracking some of my church commandments, and goals. Like how much time I spend reading my scriptures. (I do read them daily) but lately my reading has become mundane, I stopped using my study guide with it a couple weeks ago, so I will set a goal to start doing that again, for 6 out of 7 days. It sounds so simple to put that down on paper, but for me it is very hard. And to put it out here for all the world to know my goal, is REALLY hard! Even just typing the words, I have a strong erg to just hit the delete button and keep the goal in my head. This way in 7 days I won't have to report on my blog how the progress went if I passed or failed. My failure wont become public knowledge. See this is why I have such a commitment phobia! Ugh! What seems like the easiest and simplest thing for some, for me is not. Ok, 6 out of 7 days. (My brain is saying, you could change it now to 5! lol). Nope, sticking with the 6. So, here goes nothing.

Feeling Good

I have to admit, today and yesterday I have been feeling pretty good. A lot more energy, accomplished a fair bit more through out the day, and didn't need to go back to bed. These are all good things. I mean I'm not necessarily FULL of energy, but its a huge improvement, and I will take it. :) I am still having the migraines, which stinks, but hopefully in a few more days that will start looking up too. Today I managed to conquer the mountain of laundry in my basement. It is no longer a permanent fixture there! I was starting to wonder about it. I really really need to get my floors done, but I just dread sweeping so much floor. I need a vacuum for bare floors, that would help! But, until then, I will just have to tackle it, because I can't have dirty floors. I'm still just elated about the 20 something loads of laundry I must have done! And I'm dreading the shovelling that is out in this frozen winterland. (That's the nicest thing I could come up with). If I had any money I would so hire someone to shovel! Number one pet peeve: being cold. For sure! I will take a warm bath 3 times in a day, just to warm up if I have to! lol. Well, back to work, while the energy is still there.

Gratitude

I am so grateful for all the loving support I have been receiving from friends, and family, and almost strangers. It really does make a huge difference, a few kind words of support, or hearing another person's positive outlook brightens my day, fills my heart each day, and carries  me onward. I am truly blessed to have such a wonderful support system and want to thank all of you who have been in touch with me lately and giving me such great words of support. Often times I think of those who carry the spirit with them so strongly and I like to spend time around them, or ask them for guidance. Somehow I figure it will just wear off on me! So far here is some of my favorite things I have heard lately (Mostly thanks to Dawna!):

As children bring their

Broken toys

With tears for us to mend,

I brought my broken

Dreams to God, because

He was my friend.

But then, instead of

Leaving Him,

In peace, to work alone;

I hung around and

Tried to help,

With ways that were my own.

At last, I snatched them

Back and cried, “How can you be so slow?"

"My child," He said,

"What could I do?

You never did let go."

Fill your minds with TRUTH. Fill your hearts with LOVE. Fill your lives with SERVICE. -Monson-

"Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don't come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come."

Here is a few of the talks that I have heard lately as well, that have inspired me, and have come to me, like in answer to prayer. I am so greatful for the counsel of the church, for the guidance and direction it gives us in our lives, so we may never feel lost.

Make Yours a Great Life

By Elder Paul V. Johnson

A Gift Worthy of Added Care

By Elder Neil L. Andersen

Reflections on a Consecrated Life

By Elder D. Todd Christofferson

When the Lord Commands

By Elder Bruce A. Carlson

I am so very grateful for those in my life who have been so very supportive and kind. Thank you for your love and support. It has been just what I need to help me through these hard times, and I appreciate all of you! It has given me the ability to carry a hopeful attitude, and continue to believe in great things to come. THANK YOU!

Who I Work for

Yesterday I put in a full day, as I do every Friday. For those of you who don't know, I own my own cleaning business, Clean Right Advantage.  So I clean houses and stuff for a living. I actually find it very rewarding, which amazes even me. A lot of people often ask me, "How do you do it? I would never be able to clean someone Else's house, I hate to clean even my own!" It is funny, because I still do hate cleaning my own house, but some how I enjoy cleaning other people's houses, or new constructed houses. I find joy in serving others, so I always think about how helpful it is to know that I have taken care of such a detested duty. I know how comforting it is to come into a clean home it is so relaxing and relieving, it brings feelings of peace even. I get to feel like I help with that. :) Every day on my way to the job usually, I say a prayer to Heavenly Father thanking him firstly, for the work I have recieved and then asking him to please bless me. Bless me that I may be guided to know the best ways to do my job efficiently. I don't want to waste my time, or over charge people because of my inefficiency. I ask to be blessed that I may have an eye for detail, so I will see everything that needs to be taken care of, bless me with the strength to work hard and quickly, and to do your will Lord. Then I pray to let God know that my work is for him, and I am there in service of him. I will do his will, and pray that he will see that the job is to his liking. I always do my best when I work to imagine that I am working for him, not the customer, because I am. Heavenly Father gave us our lives, and he expects us to live them to their fullest, taking the most out of every experience. I set my standards at his height, and try my very best to make them attainable. Am I saying the job I do is perfect, like he is? No. But my effort is my very best, most of the time. And I believe that is all he asks of us. It makes me very honored to do my work when I think about it in this way. And I end up enjoying what I do immensely. It is very much like a teenager who has an assignment from his teacher, he works very hard on it and he gets an A. He is happy about his mark. He rushes home to show his parents. He may have completed the assignment at his teacher's request, but he worked really hard on it because he wanted to please his parents. (as I want to please my Heavenly Father.) Besides, the actual work itself isn't all that tough, we all know how to do it, and in reality, it gives me plenty of time to myself to de-stress and listen to music, not have to have a boss breathing down my neck about anything. (Joys of self-employment!). Now, I just realize I really want to teach this to my children, the love of work. The love to serve and honor the Lord. I never realized until now, that we aren't just naturally born with it. :) ha, my bad. I thought we were. So, I guess I have a million things I wish I could parent better on so can I just get a sub? ha ha. I will sit on the bench and watch for a bit how it is done, and then step back in once I get the hang of it. I guess after all that, what I'm trying to say is, I love my job. I love serving the Lord. And I know we all have room to grow especially me, as a parent. (Which is probably pretty typical).

diagnosis

So, I'm sure you are all waiting in mass anticipation, wondering how my appointment went with the doctor today about the fatigue. (OK, so maybe only I was that excited about it) but, I did get a diagnosis, which is good but the diagnosis itself isn't good. Depression. That's right, I've been trying to avoid that horrible word but it seems like it was inevitable. The Doc and I had discussed it about a month ago, because I had become such a basket case, I know hard to believe! lol. But I had said I thought it was totally just situational and would pass as I got myself together and I sorted out a bit of what I was going to do. I mean the first time I spoke to him things had literally just hit the fan a week or so before, so it was so emotional for me, no wonder I could barely hold myself together. Now, I feel totally different, but yet still have symptoms of depression. I am not sad all the time, and I have the desire to get out of bed each day and the desire to take care of my children, I just am lacking somewhere in between the thought and the making my body actually move. It is the strangest depression I have ever experienced. Unfortunately I am no stranger to depression, I have experienced some mild depression in my past but nothing major. The thing is I experienced enough to say that this time is so different in the fact that I'm not really sad, I'm not terribly hopeless, I don't feel totally lost inside. Thankfully because I have come to know Jesus I will always have hope, and I know that God will take care of me and my children. I guess the depression  (geez I hate to even say it) is more effecting me in a physical sense with the fatigue, and the insomnia, and the lack of concentration or memory. Sure I get times where I'm lonely, or emotional but I'm going through a divorce for goodness sakes! Those are normal behaviors! I guess that's why the Doc said, you are depressed, You've earned it. (In a kind way). I've been trying hard to fight it on my own, because nobody wants to be depressed, but I just can't have these things dragging me down anymore. I have enough on my plate with the migraines alone, so I even though I was hesitant, I took the antidepressants, besides they're actually supposed to help with the migraines too. I just hope they don't make me fat. Seriously. lol. They say depression is very common in people who suffer from chronic migraines, that doesn't comfort me very much. I always figured my faith would keep me from depression, but I guess it is just giving me the comfort I need, and the hope but the chemical imbalances are still there. And I'm OK with that. I'm OK with the diagnosis, because I am not totally lost, or out of control. I am still functioning, and hopeful. This too shall pass.

So I find it very interesting as a mother how my children interact. River and Berlyn don't play well together. I'm not sure why, maybe it's the age gap, but River will play well with Elias and just completely Shun Berlyn. So when there are times when River is extremely harsh to Berlyn I will give the consequence that he has to play with her for a half an hour. Just the two of them, and he has to play nice. Yesterday, while I was giving out this consequence River decided to talk back so I doubled it, and he had to serve out his awful sentence today! lol. Here comes the most intriguing part, when it comes time to play together he is enjoying himself, you can tell on his face. They run and play, and laugh. She adores him so much, and looks up to him thoroughly. She would spend every waking minute playing with him if she could, and he would avoid her like the plague if he could, and he does until I force them to spend time. But when I do, its magical, he enjoys it, and is kind. So what gives? Why does he detest her so, until he HAS to play with her? Should I enforce more play time then so he sees how much they can have fun? It isn't just the playing that he doesn't do, he speaks cruelly to her, he is unkind, and finds fault in her words just to argue. I am constantly trying to tell him about being loving, teaching her instead of criticizing, and it can be such a struggle. Now, it feels like she's starting to pass some of his poor behaviors down onto Elias. Almost like, she knows she can't bully River, but she can bully Elias. Although I am not quite sure River's behavior is bullying. (Maybe Berlyn's is...hmmm). It is amazing how as parents we worry about everything and try to adapt and teach and correct behaviors as they arise. I wish there was an eye in the sky for a few days who could tell me how to correct my behaviors. (Like on TV, except not publicly). I think I worry too much. No, I don't worry too much, I worry enough, but act on too little of them.

I have been thinking of ways to make my down time more effective, so when I'm lying in bed, unable to sleep, or migraine ridden, how can I accomplish more. (I told you I was a natural born over-achiever.) So I decided I can start compiling some family home evening activities. I currently don't have any so if I get a migraine or anything comes up on Monday's that puts a time crunch on us, we end up missing our family home evening. And admittedly the guilt is killing me. I am a mother who thinks with all this time on my hands I should be doing lessons daily! So, if I start preparing some lessons it will be easier to get the home evenings done. I found a this great blog too for ideas. Also, I can read to my kids, lots of different stuff. Especially church related stories. I am especially excited for this. Obviously so they learn to love reading and learn the lessons from the stories, but also so that it helps Elias learn to sit still and quiet for a while! He is so not a quiet kid at sacrement! 
I do my best not to lay down for an actual nap with just the little kids around. It makes me feel super guilty, I don't know why. If River is home I can ask him to watch them, and play with them that way I know someone is taking special care but I feel like their being neglected if I go to sleep while their here. That said, I have done it before, and nothing happens, they play nice. I just don't want my children to grow up with memories of a mommy who never got out of bed.

Writing this blog has made me realize I set a lot of goals, I say I want to do a lot of things, but I don't act as much as I should. Hmm. Ok. Time to fix that. Tomorrow.

Ps. I changed the settings on my Blog, so if you want to post a comment on any of the blog entries, you no longer need to be a google account holder. Its open. No more excuses. :)

Clean Sheets

Ok, I have to say it. I love the feeling of fresh, clean sheets. I changed the linens on my bed today, and granted it was a week or two over due, because of the Christmas holidays (I'm usually really good at doing it weekly) but it felt SOOOO GOOD!! I've always loved that feeling. But I do eat in bed, I will snack at night while I'm online, or reading, which totally disgusted my one friend. I think she has OCD though, because I would hate to have to eat at the table all the time. Or is it gross to eat in bed? Well I still am loving every minute of stretching out and enjoying the crisp feel of clean sheets. That must be why In the past I used to keep two sets of bedding choices on hand, including the bedspread and everything. Now I'm down to one, and it has lipstick stains all over it. No, I did not makeout with my blanket. lol. Let's just say a select Grandparent gave my daughter some lipstick, which was a fantastic gift!(insert sarcasm here). So when Shane saw her come home with lipstick he said, Berlyn you shouldn't use that in Mommy's room, and left it at that. Then watched her trott off to play... with her lipstick. She was heading straight for my room with all the other kids. I came home from being out to find my beautiful (expensive) bedspread ruined. :) That is just such typical father behavior. "What, I told her!" Any mother would have seen that and taken it from her right away, and kept it for 'special' play times. I will admit right now Berlyn and I play with makeup, she loves it, we both look like clowns or worse when she's done with us. But I always tell her we're pretty and I always lock up the makeup when we're done! Now back to the good stuff - I think my favorite is when the boys get in on it- yes, I let River and Elias play makeup, but I will say they play more like goofy, and intentionally make silly faces with it, like moustaches and things like that. I enjoy that too. I really need to get a camera, so I could put pictures up of this stuff! :)

The History...

At the end months of my marriage I was really trying hard. Ok, in all the years of my marriage I tried hard. I think I tried harder while I was married than before we were married. Once we joined the church I told myself I would try everything, and work as hard as I possibly could to keep my marriage together. I mean sure in really bad fights I would say I was done, but I didn't mean it. And he knew that. I tried everything. We went to counselling, we went to other counsellors, and we tried seeing the bishop. I read book after book. I PRAYED! I tried praying alone, we tried praying together. Every time I thought I was ready to give up, something else helped me hold on, forgive and keep trying. Because I knew that Heavenly Father wants families to be together forever I struggled so hard with making the choice to leave. People say it takes two to make your marriage work, and they are totally right, but it only takes one to destroy it. He never tried. I'm being honest not one of those angry, one-sided judgemental wives who blame everything on their spouses. But if you're the only one who is trying it is like beating your head against the wall. Especially if your partner has something they need to deal with and they're refusing, or pretending. I'm not saying that I was the perfect wife. No one ever is. I know I have my faults, but I was willing and able at all moments. That is what makes a lasting marriage in my eyes. Also, always be willing and able to keep trying, always be ready to be open, honest and ready to communicate. What kills me inside is that we have 3 beautiful children who will be hurt by a family destroyed because he didn't ever want to put effort in. Now, a person could argue that by showing up at counselling on repeated occasions that is trying on his part, but it's not. That was his way of being amicable, and keeping the peace in the home. You can drag a horse to water but you can't make him drink. That was my husband. There in body and occasionally mind, but not in spirit. To me there is nothing I want more in this life than to have an eternal companion, a stable home, a happy family. I want to live a life pleasing in the eyes of the Lord, working harder each day, to grow closer to him, and to be able to share that growth with my family. I have worked very hard over this last year to try to live a consecrated life, to follow strong values, if you will. Each day of each week I was setting new goals, adding more ways to live a more spiritually fulfilling life. I felt the spirit in my life, and would truly consider each day a blessing. All I wanted was to do the will of the Lord, and to fulfill his work. I was sure if I kept the commandments he would bless me in my life, and I don't just mean materialistically. I would have settled with blessings to heal my husband, or my marriage. I wanted so badly to be able to go to the temple to seal our family together, and I was doing everything I could, but it wasn't only me who needed to be able to go, and he had no desires of working on getting there. My husband and I had been separated for a few months, and he showed signs of trying, so we attempted re-uniting. He found what I thought was a great job; we started renovations on the house, so we could finish the basement which was needed to become foster parents, another dream of mine. I thought the Lord was blessing us! I knew my faith and diligence would always be worth it I thought. I continued to do the things I had been doing before, living the commandments and serving others. The feelings in my heart were amazing, I felt the spirit every day. That warm feeling of love, and happiness. About two months went by, and then everything fell apart. My whole world just crashed. I found out that everything I had thought was happening was a lie, all the changes he was supposedly making, and work he had been doing wasn't so. Literally within the course of an evening my once hopeful marriage had come to an end, and I wasn't sure where I was going to live, how I was going to support myself or my children. I was in debt on our bills and I found out my husband was out of work, so he wouldn't be of any help. I was all alone. With Christmas only a month away I was in total despair, but even more so, I was wondering, "If everything in my marriage and my life is a lie, then where are my blessings? Lord, you promise us blessings, where are mine?" We've made it through Christmas amazingly, with the help of amazing friends and family, and I know that December has definitely brought us blessings of comfort and peace. I just feel like I'm trying so hard and everything I believe in just doesn't seem to be coming together. I know why I try so hard, it's for my kids, but I was once married to my best friend, and now I get to struggle, and fight every day of my life to make everything work. I have all the struggles, and the pain, and the loneliness, and the stress all because he didn't want to try? He didn't want to get himself help? I told myself that I wouldn't slander him on my blog, so I apologize. I feel like He gets off easy and I have all the hard work, the pain the suffering. Like I didn't already have enough struggles in my life with my health? I've gone 5 weeks straight with migraines. And I know they're stress related because of the divorce. (because usually I get days off in between.) So, what can I do? Why did I marry a bum? Ugh. Like as if I don't have enough life challenges I had to pick more? Of course I did, I'm an over achiever and I probably was in the pre-mortal existence too. Dang it! I believe before we came to this earth we chose some of our life's challenges. Some of them we add on while we're here by the stupid choices we make with our free agency. I am still waiting for my blessings, and unfortunately I am losing hope. Try as I might, (and I am, my smarter half keeps telling me to keep the faith!) I have lost that warm feeling, I want it back, but can't find it. I am...failing.

Still trying

I always wondered how many times in a day do you think, “What would Jesus do?” I asked my father this question, maybe I posed it slightly different but you know, don’t you get that thought in your mind all the time, what would your Heavenly Father want you to be doing? I get this quite a bit. He said no, he doesn’t get that thought, but he understood what I was asking. Let me just clarify here, I belong to the church of Jesus Christ of latter day saints. If you still don't know what that is... think I am a mormon. I am a convert of going on two years (this month!). No one else in my family is a member outside of my immediate family (soon to be ex-husband and my children). My dad is a christian though. If I’m trying to figure out what to do in a situation I often think, well if it were Jesus what would he do? I know it sounds so corny, but what better example to use.

If you want an example of what I'm talking about here’s a good one. It wasn’t much longer than a month ago; I was watching my friend’s children and they were all asleep. I was having a particularly emotional day because the separation from my husband was still new. I sat down on the couch, turned off the television and began to sulk. That’s right, I literally sat comfortably enjoying my misery. It was silent. I didn’t even remove my coat. I stayed in that position for about 20 minutes or so, feeling quite sorry for myself, but there was a debate beginning in my head. I started an inner dialog with myself or maybe it was the spirit.

“Tara, you should get off the couch.”

No, I quite like feeling sorry for myself, it feels good in a sad and lonely kinda way.

“Tara, you should find something to do.”

Naw. (I continued thinking about my miserable situation in life).

“Tara, you could see if she has dishes to do.” (refering to the friend I was babysitting for). I didn’t move.

“You should go see if she has dishes that need to be done.”

I know. I probably should. But surprisingly it’s much easier to feel bad. I just couldn’t seem to make my body move. It’s so hard when you’re so sad, and lonely to motivate yourself to action. Life seems so hopeless at times, and this was definitely one of those times. Admittedly I still have times like this, even now. I know in my head and even in my heart what I need to do, I just struggle to get my body to move. Some times it even hurts.

"Tara, what would your Heavenly Father want you to do? Would he want you to sit here and sulk, or go see if she needs her dishes done?"

Ok, I will go and see if she needs her dishes done.

And that is what I did! And she did have dishes that needed doing, by the way, and it was good. It helped me feel like I was helping someone, since I obviously couldn’t help myself at the time. Because I might make poor choices for me, but would I disappoint my Heavenly Father intentionally? Never. Not knowingly, admittingly after I’ve thought it out. Could you imagine standing there on judgement day? Uh sorry Heavenly Father, I know ya told me what you wanted but I was too self-serving and selfish to listen. Um, don’t judge me. Love ya! *wink* *wink* It may have taken quite a few promptings for me to move to action but eventually I did listen to the loving guidance of the Holy Spirit. I don’t think at the time I even realized that the dialog I had going on in my head wasn’t between the more knowledgeable side of me and the sad Tara, but it was between me and the Holy Ghost, but I realize it now. I am so grateful that I was smart enough to not to ignore it. I was reading an article about the gift of the Holy Ghost and I will quote from it ‘If you want greater clarity in understanding and believing the still small voice, there is no better medicine than obedience.’ I loved that statement. And for those of you who know me, and don’t know what I’m talking about here with the Holy Ghost speaking to me, think of it in similitude to your guidance of your intuition in your times of need, that tells you that something is wrong, and so your run to your baby’s crib, only to find he was choking. That was no intuition, but the Holy Ghost. When I joined the church I was baptised with the Holy Ghost, to always have it’s guidance as long as I am worthy. I must say, I think that has been my saving grace, because I lived such a reckless life before, without any direction. (Think my early 20's!).

You know what skill I always wanted? I’ve always wanted to get to the point where I can just see it in someone’s face that they need me, and I will be able to go over and ask them. I really hope one day I can get to the point where I can just see it in ALL people's faces that they need someone, and not have the fear to speak up and go and comfort them. Whether it is a stranger on a bus, or any one. I don’t know if that is a learned skill or a gift. I want it either way. It would be a great thing to have. I guess only if you have a desire to serve others. I mean if you didn’t have that desire, it would just wreak havoc on a guilty conscience.

So yesterday, I had River wash a sink full of dishes, and Berlyn wash a sink full of dishes, and then Elias took a stab at it. I had to remove Elias from the kitchen because he was pouring bowls of water on the floor. Berlyn has always loved to do dishes and I’ve always had a stack of “washed” dishes on the towels that need to be re-washed when she’s not around. Not anymore!! I’m so excited, she’s graduated to fantastic dish washer! So, I celebrated with her, and told her what a fabulous job she was doing, we even did a couple sink full’s together today. I can already see it now, her future job... hee hee hee! I think she’s very quickly going to stop cherishing her beloved chore! Just kidding. Maybe. Elias is going to become very jealous very fast though, we’re going to have to practise some more, or something. Because boy does he love to “help”. J

I guess to sum it all up though, I can’t be doing all that bad, even though I feel like I have fallen way off track. I still have the guidance of the spirit with me each day, and my kids and I are spending time together and they are contributing. I still get lonely at times, and there are plenty of things I can't fix right now. Nobody is pulling each other’s hair out, and we have a roof over our heads. So I guess tonight I can sleep OK. Alright, I probably can't sleep ok, but that's a whole other issue. I’ll worry about what tomorrow brings tomorrow. As for all the things I didn't do (and there is a lot of them) I will just keep plugging away at them, and hope one day I can find a better way to live so I can accomplish more than just the dishes, and cooking and laundry.

Can I get a push?

I asked someone to give me a push today on facebook. I got the reply, are you stuck in your driveway? ha. Nope, I'm stuck in my bed. I need some motivation again. See I get up in the morning and the day, I get dressed and get going. (Which really means, I head back to my room or maybe sit down at the kitchen table). I just frequently wander back to my room for little rests where I'll sit down with my laptop, or lie down. I'm tired, and demotivated. I lack the drive and energy to keep moving. So I pulled out my old trick, I got up and put my shoes on. Yep, I find even when I'm not going anywhere if I put my shoes on inside the house it helps pick my motivation up, and get me moving faster. Weird, I know! That and some good tunes. But I didn't get to do that today, because the kids were already claiming the stereo with "fun kid cd's" they got for christmas. Nothing like a little rain, rain, go away to keep the motivation levels up! haha. So since I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired the big plan for the day was to call the clinic and make an appointment, because somethings got to give, but it was closed due to the holiday on the weekend. I guess I wasn't thinking about that one.

I had big plans to clean and organize the kids bedroom too, its become disasterous since the holidays and all the new toys coming in, and I've been putting it off way too long. I had planned to tackle it while they were staying with there dad but I procrastinated, that's right people, I used the "P" word. I'm hoping for 2011, I won't be doing any more of that "P" thing. So, here's a look at what the room looked like:









Scary I know! I did end up cleaning their room today, so a little pat on the back for me, but I didn't manage to organize it, and get all the toys into new homes like I wanted to. You know how it is when the kids get new toys, they don't officially have homes in the room, so you have to re-organize everything to make it fit right, and the old toys all needed to be shuffled back into their proper drawers (cars with cars, and trains with trains, etc). So instead I managed to tidy it, and make it presentable (unlike the pics) but not get what I wanted done, so I didn't take any amazing after photo's for you. Hope you're not too disappointed. If you are, just close your eyes and image the above, just clean. lol. I'm such a jerk.

So, as a part of trying to improve myself worth I am trying to do away with the negativism in my life. I know, it may be hard to tell from my facebook status's or my blog sometimes, but believe me, this is me putting the upswing on things. Just read it in a cheery tone. lol. Seriously though, I do often find myself trying to find the positive in every situation, so I can remember the blessings.

Speaking of blessings, my little blessings with heartbeats, yes I mean my children! We played monsters today. After the whole I need a push thing, well, Berlyn was getting drastically bored too, so she was right next to me, mom, mom, MOM! So when I got up, we played our - no wait - THEIR favorite game. Lets face it, running around, making a hoarse voice, screaming and chasing for an hour is NOT my favorite game. BUT! I find the joys and the laughter so rewarding! It reminds me why I love being a mommy. When Shane and I were together he would often watch me play with that with them for so long and say, you're such a good mommy. (I think I exhausted him just watching). I was totally out of breath, picking them up, throwing them on the couches, its hard work! We do play it often. The best part, I will never need a gym membership, because it is physically exhausting. I think I needed 3 breaks, just to catch my breath! And everytime we stop, the kids never want it to end, no mommy, lets keep playing! You can just sit there and tickle us! haha. I love them so much.

As for my goal to master the strong willed parenting techniques, I'm not doing so good! Eek! I haven't started STILL! See here's the problem, I am supposed to be practising the "attending" skill with Elias for 10 minutes twice daily. This is where you sit down with your child with some toys and talk to him about what he is doing. More specifically repeat what he is doing back to him, without asking any questions, or issuing any instructions. Also do not try to teach. Its also reccommended if possible try not to praise them always. For example:

Elias is driving the train. The train is going up the track. The green train is going to hit the red one!

See, it sounds uncomfortable, and difficult. And they say at first it is. But what its doing is noting the positive behaviors of your child, without directing which can aggrivate a strong willed child. It also is helping to open up the lines of communication between parent and child. Often parents of strong willed children are so used to only pointing out the childs negative behaviors they get into a habit of "let sleeping dogs lie" so to speak. So if the child is being good, don't bug him by trying to talk to him etc. because it could excite him or make him angry. This attending is supposed to help break that habit. I don't know how much of all of the above is neccessarily true in our home for Elias, I don't feel we struggle with only spending time with him when he's bad, but I want to do all of the steps in the book, so I will faithfully practice the skill anyways. BUT you're supposed to record your sessions because it is difficult not to ask questions or give directions so if you record it you can take note of how you are doing and improve and I don't have a recording device, so I have been putting off starting. I know i should be practising anyways!!

So, looking at the POSITIVE side of things, I did implement something else I had read in the parenting book I thought was important! There will be no more of this all the time:



That's right. Too much computer time for my kids. I know in most homes it is monitored and for River it is, but somehow I managed to let it slip away for these little guys only in the last 6 weeks. They didn't even know how to use the computer before that. I just one day, needed to occupy them, and had an epiphany that hey, Treehouse has some games they may like, and they should be safe for them. Next thing you know, they were playing maybe 3 hours a day! Its a lot. Admittedly I was using it like a babysitter. It just became so convenient. So, no more. I will still let them play, but today, I implemented my alarm clock. 20 minutes each. I know thats not much, but their not that old. Also, another bad habit in my house that got the kibosh (yes, this is a word, I googled it!) was leaving the tv on in the background. Here is what I learned from my book, a few interesting facts on tv and children. I was SHOCKED!

• Children 2-5 on average spend over 32 hours a WEEK in front of a TV screen. approx. 25 of these hours are watching tv. The remaining time is spent watching recorded media (dvd's or videos) and playing video games. This time does not include computer time.
• Approx. a third of children 6 years old or younger live in a home where the tv is on most of the time if not all of it.
• It is estimated that 42% of 4-6 year olds have a tv in their rooms, and 29% of 2-3 year olds have a tv in their room. (OK, mine do, but they don't use it)
• Only 5 to 25% of the avg. child's tv watching is spent on show's specifically produced for children.
• Approx. 40% of parents do not have rules about how much time their children under 7 can spend watching tv.
• By 18 the avg. child has seen 200 000 violent acts and 16 000 murders, with 8000 of these being by the age of eleven on television alone. (And people wonder why I don't let River play call of duty like all his friends! All their doing is murdering!)
• Children ages 2-7 veiw approx. 14000 commercials per year not including ads on the internet or other media
• Children who watch the most tv tend to have the lowest grades at school. In FACT the amount of tv watched in a young childs life is a strong predictor of whether or not they will graduate from college. (Gives you something to think about when you are feeling lazy and want to turn that tv for a break. Um, no thank you.)
• There is an association between young childrens media exposure and later aggression as well as bullying.
• children who read well tend to watch less tv.
• children 2-11 have increased their time spent online by 63% from 2004 to 2009.

So, they did say a bunch of stuff to do, obviously, like limit your child's tv time. 1-2 hours of quality tv time per day is plenty. And try to sit down and watch television with your child, so you can explain what they are seeing. Don't use the tv as a baby sitter. (I'm guilty, sometimes its just that much easier to cook dinner if they're watching a movie). Don't leave the tv on as background noise, children don't play as well when it is on. Did you know for every hour the tv was on in the background parents spoke less words to their children? (between 500-1000 less words) Which leads to speach delay and language development issues. I was amazed. Elias was a late talker, and now I'm feeling really guilty! You bet they watched cars the movie once today and that was IT! I'm making changes baby! And I hope reading this will impact others to change things in their childs lives too.

Its funny I chose to write about this tonight since at the dinner table, River was talking to me about how he doesn't know what to say when his friends ask him why he's not allowed to play those kinds of video games (like call of duty etc) I tried my best to explain to him that we just have a different set of values. I was trying to explain to him that when people are exposed to killing and murder they can become desensitized. So we do our best not to watch shows or play video games that contain things with it in it, because heavenly father wouldn't want us to take joy and entertainment from killing. I related to him how there are gangs in the states where teenagers have to kill someone to get into the gang. This is considered normal, and will be there way of proving they are tough. But we are so far away from that, that the thought of killing someone is not only very frightening, it is appalling, pretty much un-thinkable. I said to him, if we watched it every day, and "practised" it on our video games, we would come to think it was ok, even normal. Like the teenagers in the gangs. I tried to explain how hopefully one day there will be enough rightous people in the world who will refuse to watch tv and movies with violence in them or play video games with it. If no one played it or watched it, they wouldn't make it anymore. It would be less acceptable. And crime rates would go down. I'm sure some people reading my blog right now think my way of thinking is idealistic but I'm ok with that. I know the likelyhood of that happening is slim too, but that does that mean I should call up the devil and ask him how I can help him recruit? No, I continue holding strong to the iron rod. Hopefully River and I will set an example one day.

Working Mama

So I have this huge impending fear. I know I have to go back to work full time and I don't want to. Its so crazy, because only a little over two years ago, I remember feeling like I would never want to be a stay at home mom. How I thought about how it would drive me crazy to have the kids running around me all day, and never talking to other adults. I used to think I totally needed the satisfaction of accomplishment that is brought of from working outside of the home. Besides I wasn't a patient person, before I had children I didn't even like kids. And once I did have children I only tolerated my own.



I have come such a long way since then, obviously. As I have grown and learned in the church, I heard how it is encouraged for mother's to stay home. I still remember the first time someone told me about that, I was literally shocked. lol. But now, I am so grateful to the values taught by the church for encouraging it. Eventually circumstances changed and I stayed home, and quickly I began to embrace my role as a mother. Yes in the first couple of weeks there were days my patience ran thin, but once I got organized and found a routine I thoroughly enjoyed it. I loved baking with my children, and watching them grow. I even liked tending to the house, and learning to bake. Believe it or not, I didn't know how to bake a single thing a year ago, but one day I just started because Berlyn wanted to, and because I know my family likes to eat it. I liked being on top of the chores, and making wonderful meals, that took effort to put together. It reminds me of a term my Auntie Jody always used I felt like "little Suzy home maker" and I loved every minute of it. I truly believe that is where God wants mothers to be, and he blesses us with the needed skills, and nurturing abilities. My children love when I am home with them to this day, if I need to leave for work, they hate it, but I have a job to do as a mother, I need to care for these children as well, and first comes their basic needs of shelter, clothing, and food. (of course love but I will never strip them of that). So I will need to return full time to work to support my family.



Now, let me give you a little bit more of the back up story so you can fully understand why I have a fear of returning to work full time. I have been blessed to have come to understand a small part of the reason I came to this life. I came from a family with a long line of addiction. If you know much about addiction, you will understand if your parents abuse alcohol you are 8 times more likely to become an addict yourself than someone from a non-alcoholic home. I truly believe in the pre-exsistence I was brave enough (some say crazy enough) to put my hand up and volunteer to say, I will do it. I will break the cycle of addiction. I will raise up righteous children, and I will do it by teaching them the values of the church. How do I know that I chose this? Faith, prayer, a great talk with a very knowledgeable man. And that feeling in my heart that assures me, every time I think of this calling. This is how I know for sure, this is one of my most important jobs in this life, is these children. After I realized this is one of my missions in life, if you will, I was looking back on my life and began to realize there had been many times I spent worrying about how to teach my children self-esteem, because kids with good self-esteem were less likely to use drugs. Or when my first son had just been born, I would talk about how to keep kids off of drugs, and that he needed to be in lots of sports! It was a natural intuition in me even all those years ago, to protect him. So call me crazy if you will, but now I have 3 little ones to teach, and nurture, and protect. If you think about the amount of media that is out in our world today, attacking our children with negative influences. Did you know, studies say it takes 10 positive reinforcements to erase one negative? So if I'm going to succeed I'm going to need to spend more then 2 minutes with the scriptures before I tuck them in at night aren't I? Call me a worry wort, but I love my children to pieces, and this is what keeps me up at night!

So, not only will going back to work full time take away from my babies during the day while I'm at work, it will take all I've got out of me so I'm not "present" when I'm home. Now, before you start thinking, we all get tired sometimes remember my last posting about the migraines. I practically live with chronic fatigue too. So if I push my self to work all day and exert all my energy there how on earth will I have anything left for my children to nurture them? To play games? and plan fun events? I like to be a fun mom, doing cool things. I already need to take breaks, lay down, such. I hate days when my migraines take over and I literally have to keep coming back to bed and laying down. I hate when my way of showing them I love them is by letting them play on me in my bed even though it hurts.

Now back to my biggest fear, we all know how hard it is to be a parent. Being a single parent is even harder. How am I supposed to fulfill my mission in life, and teach my children to be great children of god, to have great self esteem - If I'm out their working my butt off? Will I fail at my main goal in this life? I mean we all can sit here an try to comfort ourselves when we fail at goals set right? But lets be honest about something, because I have spent a lot of time thinking about this one. If there is one goal in this life, one thing you could guarantee you succeeded at what would it be? You would never choose anything for yourself (meaning to be better at time management etc) you would never choose anything materialistic, you would choose to be successful in raising righteous children. At least I would.