Hoping for a Tumor?

Some days I find it amazing in my mind how we can have so many thoughts, that run around, worry for this, concern for that. No wonder I'm stressed. Contemplate this. Remember to do that. When things like this happen part of you feels like life should just stop. Like how am I still functioning with this other crisis in the back of my head. But I do. I still get up and get ready, feed the family, and go to work. I still bathe, and make my to-do lists. I still move along, one foot in front of the other. My head pounds as I move along, migraine already going this morning- fairly normal for me, but now its just another reminder, oh ya, that might be a tumor in there. The fuzzy vision I'm experiencing right now might not be just another migraine, it might be because there's a tumor in your head.


I managed to get some stuff done, which was good. I am so glad a friend of mine came by. She's such a wonderful help. I think she is so amazing. We get some of my living room organized and looking like a normal house. She put up a couple of my pictures and she straightened my books. I'm so grateful for that. I am sure there are so many people sitting there wondering why on earth these things even matter to me right now. But for me all I can say is I know that the more and more chaotic my life gets the more and more my perfectionist tendencies peak. I need order and cleanliness.


As I visited with the missionaries tonight and they put forth another challenge to me, I thought in my head "what!" another task on my plate? but I accepted. I just thought, they are out doing the Lords work, they are here because he has his hand in all that we do, so if this is what he wants me to do, then I will accept. I don't know how I will ever think straight enough to find someone to invite to hear the gospel. Even though I know how much it empowers me in my life. You know, I enjoy having the missionaries around. Sometimes you just need people who carry the spirit with them around you, to lift you up. After I accepted the challenge, they said something that really made sense to me, that if I have pray in Faith, Heavenly Father will make this challenge possible. He will bring someone into my life who is willing to hear about our gospel. I knew in that moment he was not only right, but that I need to remember to have more faith.

Heavenly Father has his hand down guiding so many aspects of my life right now, leading me, trying to get me on track, and my life going where it needs to go. And here I am knowing in my head yet delaying in action. Finally lately I started listening to his still small voice, but slow to action. I am dragging my feet, resisting. I know with all my heart that the only thing that comes from following his commandments is blessings, strength and good things, yet I still resist, drag my feet. Why on earth would someone do that? Know the road to bliss, and joy yet still resist taking it? I mean life is difficult and full of trials right now, if I want support and to lighten my burden I know all I need to do is follow the commandments, and pray to ask for his help and things will get easier to handle.

I have to say, I really truly feel like the Lord has been watching over me, guiding me, trying so hard to lead me back to the straight and narrow path of the gospel. Not that I had wondered completely off of it, more like I had stalled out. Sat down and decided I was going to sit right where I was on the path if you could envision that. Ok ok. Maybe slightly beside it.

I met this man the other day, and I felt as though he and I connected. Not in the way that I was attracted to him, but just in a sense of we communicated well, and I enjoyed his company, like a good friend. And like two people passing in the street, I will probably never see that man again, but the point is it reminded me that there are still good men out there, and that one day down the road when it is time and I am ready the Lord will have someone set aside for me, some one I can connect with. I realized that even with all these trials and struggles I am battling in my life, I think it is just Heavenly Father's way of wrapping up the past and helping me to make space for a better life in my future. A happier life. I worked so hard in my past, I spent hours, and days, and months trying so hard to get my family to be able to go to the temple to be sealed. I know now that there was a reason that it didn't happen, because God knows the better plan. I still do not know it yet, but I do know that he does, and he has his hand in all things, watching over us, guiding us. If he feels that my life needs to go in this direction then I will follow, and I have hope that it is only to lead me to brighter days. Someone asked me what I want in this life ~ my answer ~ stability, a husband, and a family life. I didn't get into detail at that time but that would include that the husband be temple worthy and always provide a stable home for his family. I guess I don't ask for much, but at the same time, I ask for a lot. I'm only 27, but I do believe that Heavenly Father will give me what I ask for in this life, especially if I live worthily. I'm not saying I am even contemplating dating or marriage at this time, I'm just saying that for the first time, I actually believe there might be some decent men left out there. And if there isn't I know the Lord has one hidden away just for me, special, for when the time comes. So I need not despair for all the days of my future. Seeing that he showed me that he will have his hand in all things and that there was a reason he caused my life in Raymond to "wrap up" so abruptly, and be such a trial to me was not for me to suffer but because he must know of a bigger plan for me. But also I related these thoughts on to the lump they have found in my brain. If it is a tumor and they can remove it, we can wrap up this time of trial and suffering, and he knows that even though it will be difficult and scary to go through, it is leading me to brighter skies of migraine free days. (These things I hope and pray for.)

This being said, as I have contemplated it more and more, I have decided I hope it is a tumor in my head.  Because then it will be a means to an end. for the last 18 months I have not been able to live my life. I have been existing, mearly surviving. I often feel as though I need assistance just to get by. If it is a tumor, and they can operate to remove it, and my health can return to some sort of normalcy, where I can function, and take care of my children I would think it would be worth it. River was telling a friend of mine yesterday how much it sucks for them as children that I am sick all the time, because their mom is no fun, and they often have to do things for themselves. It hurt so badly, but there is nothing I can do about it, lots of days the pain is just so bad, and I PUSH myself so hard as it is. I am often guilt ridden by the lack of quality time they receive due to my migraines, but I cannot do what my body will not let me. So a tumor may just be the answer to my prayers. I remember going into the MRI hoping they would find something to explain my migraines, this could just be that explanation, even if it is scary.

I continue to hold out hope, and I want to thank everyone for all there love and support, you have been so kind to send your thoughts and prayers to me. They are making a huge difference, I feel it. Thank you!