So I have this huge impending fear. I know I have to go back to work full time and I don't want to. Its so crazy, because only a little over two years ago, I remember feeling like I would never want to be a stay at home mom. How I thought about how it would drive me crazy to have the kids running around me all day, and never talking to other adults. I used to think I totally needed the satisfaction of accomplishment that is brought of from working outside of the home. Besides I wasn't a patient person, before I had children I didn't even like kids. And once I did have children I only tolerated my own.
I have come such a long way since then, obviously. As I have grown and learned in the church, I heard how it is encouraged for mother's to stay home. I still remember the first time someone told me about that, I was literally shocked. lol. But now, I am so grateful to the values taught by the church for encouraging it. Eventually circumstances changed and I stayed home, and quickly I began to embrace my role as a mother. Yes in the first couple of weeks there were days my patience ran thin, but once I got organized and found a routine I thoroughly enjoyed it. I loved baking with my children, and watching them grow. I even liked tending to the house, and learning to bake. Believe it or not, I didn't know how to bake a single thing a year ago, but one day I just started because Berlyn wanted to, and because I know my family likes to eat it. I liked being on top of the chores, and making wonderful meals, that took effort to put together. It reminds me of a term my Auntie Jody always used I felt like "little Suzy home maker" and I loved every minute of it. I truly believe that is where God wants mothers to be, and he blesses us with the needed skills, and nurturing abilities. My children love when I am home with them to this day, if I need to leave for work, they hate it, but I have a job to do as a mother, I need to care for these children as well, and first comes their basic needs of shelter, clothing, and food. (of course love but I will never strip them of that). So I will need to return full time to work to support my family.
Now, let me give you a little bit more of the back up story so you can fully understand why I have a fear of returning to work full time. I have been blessed to have come to understand a small part of the reason I came to this life. I came from a family with a long line of addiction. If you know much about addiction, you will understand if your parents abuse alcohol you are 8 times more likely to become an addict yourself than someone from a non-alcoholic home. I truly believe in the pre-exsistence I was brave enough (some say crazy enough) to put my hand up and volunteer to say, I will do it. I will break the cycle of addiction. I will raise up righteous children, and I will do it by teaching them the values of the church. How do I know that I chose this? Faith, prayer, a great talk with a very knowledgeable man. And that feeling in my heart that assures me, every time I think of this calling. This is how I know for sure, this is one of my most important jobs in this life, is these children. After I realized this is one of my missions in life, if you will, I was looking back on my life and began to realize there had been many times I spent worrying about how to teach my children self-esteem, because kids with good self-esteem were less likely to use drugs. Or when my first son had just been born, I would talk about how to keep kids off of drugs, and that he needed to be in lots of sports! It was a natural intuition in me even all those years ago, to protect him. So call me crazy if you will, but now I have 3 little ones to teach, and nurture, and protect. If you think about the amount of media that is out in our world today, attacking our children with negative influences. Did you know, studies say it takes 10 positive reinforcements to erase one negative? So if I'm going to succeed I'm going to need to spend more then 2 minutes with the scriptures before I tuck them in at night aren't I? Call me a worry wort, but I love my children to pieces, and this is what keeps me up at night!
So, not only will going back to work full time take away from my babies during the day while I'm at work, it will take all I've got out of me so I'm not "present" when I'm home. Now, before you start thinking, we all get tired sometimes remember my last posting about the migraines. I practically live with chronic fatigue too. So if I push my self to work all day and exert all my energy there how on earth will I have anything left for my children to nurture them? To play games? and plan fun events? I like to be a fun mom, doing cool things. I already need to take breaks, lay down, such. I hate days when my migraines take over and I literally have to keep coming back to bed and laying down. I hate when my way of showing them I love them is by letting them play on me in my bed even though it hurts.
Now back to my biggest fear, we all know how hard it is to be a parent. Being a single parent is even harder. How am I supposed to fulfill my mission in life, and teach my children to be great children of god, to have great self esteem - If I'm out their working my butt off? Will I fail at my main goal in this life? I mean we all can sit here an try to comfort ourselves when we fail at goals set right? But lets be honest about something, because I have spent a lot of time thinking about this one. If there is one goal in this life, one thing you could guarantee you succeeded at what would it be? You would never choose anything for yourself (meaning to be better at time management etc) you would never choose anything materialistic, you would choose to be successful in raising righteous children. At least I would.
I have come such a long way since then, obviously. As I have grown and learned in the church, I heard how it is encouraged for mother's to stay home. I still remember the first time someone told me about that, I was literally shocked. lol. But now, I am so grateful to the values taught by the church for encouraging it. Eventually circumstances changed and I stayed home, and quickly I began to embrace my role as a mother. Yes in the first couple of weeks there were days my patience ran thin, but once I got organized and found a routine I thoroughly enjoyed it. I loved baking with my children, and watching them grow. I even liked tending to the house, and learning to bake. Believe it or not, I didn't know how to bake a single thing a year ago, but one day I just started because Berlyn wanted to, and because I know my family likes to eat it. I liked being on top of the chores, and making wonderful meals, that took effort to put together. It reminds me of a term my Auntie Jody always used I felt like "little Suzy home maker" and I loved every minute of it. I truly believe that is where God wants mothers to be, and he blesses us with the needed skills, and nurturing abilities. My children love when I am home with them to this day, if I need to leave for work, they hate it, but I have a job to do as a mother, I need to care for these children as well, and first comes their basic needs of shelter, clothing, and food. (of course love but I will never strip them of that). So I will need to return full time to work to support my family.
Now, let me give you a little bit more of the back up story so you can fully understand why I have a fear of returning to work full time. I have been blessed to have come to understand a small part of the reason I came to this life. I came from a family with a long line of addiction. If you know much about addiction, you will understand if your parents abuse alcohol you are 8 times more likely to become an addict yourself than someone from a non-alcoholic home. I truly believe in the pre-exsistence I was brave enough (some say crazy enough) to put my hand up and volunteer to say, I will do it. I will break the cycle of addiction. I will raise up righteous children, and I will do it by teaching them the values of the church. How do I know that I chose this? Faith, prayer, a great talk with a very knowledgeable man. And that feeling in my heart that assures me, every time I think of this calling. This is how I know for sure, this is one of my most important jobs in this life, is these children. After I realized this is one of my missions in life, if you will, I was looking back on my life and began to realize there had been many times I spent worrying about how to teach my children self-esteem, because kids with good self-esteem were less likely to use drugs. Or when my first son had just been born, I would talk about how to keep kids off of drugs, and that he needed to be in lots of sports! It was a natural intuition in me even all those years ago, to protect him. So call me crazy if you will, but now I have 3 little ones to teach, and nurture, and protect. If you think about the amount of media that is out in our world today, attacking our children with negative influences. Did you know, studies say it takes 10 positive reinforcements to erase one negative? So if I'm going to succeed I'm going to need to spend more then 2 minutes with the scriptures before I tuck them in at night aren't I? Call me a worry wort, but I love my children to pieces, and this is what keeps me up at night!
So, not only will going back to work full time take away from my babies during the day while I'm at work, it will take all I've got out of me so I'm not "present" when I'm home. Now, before you start thinking, we all get tired sometimes remember my last posting about the migraines. I practically live with chronic fatigue too. So if I push my self to work all day and exert all my energy there how on earth will I have anything left for my children to nurture them? To play games? and plan fun events? I like to be a fun mom, doing cool things. I already need to take breaks, lay down, such. I hate days when my migraines take over and I literally have to keep coming back to bed and laying down. I hate when my way of showing them I love them is by letting them play on me in my bed even though it hurts.
Now back to my biggest fear, we all know how hard it is to be a parent. Being a single parent is even harder. How am I supposed to fulfill my mission in life, and teach my children to be great children of god, to have great self esteem - If I'm out their working my butt off? Will I fail at my main goal in this life? I mean we all can sit here an try to comfort ourselves when we fail at goals set right? But lets be honest about something, because I have spent a lot of time thinking about this one. If there is one goal in this life, one thing you could guarantee you succeeded at what would it be? You would never choose anything for yourself (meaning to be better at time management etc) you would never choose anything materialistic, you would choose to be successful in raising righteous children. At least I would.
1 comment:
You can do it Tara! you are a great Mom! With the help of our Father in Heaven you will be able to juggle those things in life that you need to! It is through our Savior that we can be great! He wont make you run faster than you are able! keep your head up, and when you are down just remember that you have those 3 beautiful children that will surprise you and keep you on your toes! but will grow to understand that you needed to do this for a reason not to just be away from them! you are a wonderful person and I have already learned so much from you and your example! Hold to the things that matter and leave the things that don't behind! I love the famous line! " I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it." and your children are definitely worth it!
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