sabotage

Wonderful Day!

Today was really good! Migraine free! That is right people, migraine free!

I still had an aura (so cloudy vision) but no pain! Everyday is getting better for how I've been feeling it seems, thank goodness. I am so happy about that, and tomorrow is Berlyn's big birthday party. Ok, maybe its not so big, but it should be fun. I'm pretty excited about it. I think she's going to grow up to be a lot like her mama! She has managed to ask three people for a dress for her birthday, she loves barbies and she changes  her clothes 3-4 times a day. Berlyn has a love for make up and posing in pictures like a model.



I told you she LOVES to do her make up!



So today was definitely a very productive day. I learned a lot about myself. I went to counselling, and realized a few things about how to increase my self worth. It increases by setting goals, and accomplishing them and realizing that for myself, and doing this repeatedly over time. As well as celebrating this success. As I sat there in counselling I didn't talk about this part, but in my head I came to realize for so many years I have placed my self worth in the hands of others. If people liked me, I valued myself. So, the more friends I had, the more outside praise I received the better I felt about myself. If I was in a time where I moved, or friends were transitioning, I felt low, or worthless. If I didn't receive any exterior praise for anything for long periods of time, like when I didn't work I felt low as well. This was also why I could never be alone (or single). So, now I've joined the Church, and I have Jesus, and the Love of Heavenly Father in my life. I don't view things the same anymore, but it is interesting to see how volatile my self worth was, and how that could effect the decisions I was making in my life. I am so glad to have the church, but I also want to love myself to the highest degree (healthily) where I feel confident to assert myself. I also learned that I need to work on some cognitive behavioral changes, to help with asserting myself, but this is all good, and going to help me. I was thinking about how setting goals was a part of self worth and I thought, I have set a lot of goals in my life, and I usually procrastinate (there's that P word!) or walk away from them, from fear of failure! What does that say? lol. No wonder I have such low self worth, I have been sabotaging myself for years! I am so elated to feel like I can work on myself continually, trying to become a better person all the time. I am not afraid to admit I have areas to work on because I know we all do, that is why the Lord sent us here, because we are imperfect. I am so humble, and I share my experiences to help humanize me, so maybe one day others may realize I too am just human, and not be afraid to befriend me. I feel great that I am working on my goal though, and I hope that I continue to work on it. I guess after hearing about what does create stronger self worth it makes me think twice about how much effort I will put in to my new year's resolutions. I am also going to set some shorter term goals.

I always believe it's easiest to start small, and work your way up! So, I will start by tracking some of my church commandments, and goals. Like how much time I spend reading my scriptures. (I do read them daily) but lately my reading has become mundane, I stopped using my study guide with it a couple weeks ago, so I will set a goal to start doing that again, for 6 out of 7 days. It sounds so simple to put that down on paper, but for me it is very hard. And to put it out here for all the world to know my goal, is REALLY hard! Even just typing the words, I have a strong erg to just hit the delete button and keep the goal in my head. This way in 7 days I won't have to report on my blog how the progress went if I passed or failed. My failure wont become public knowledge. See this is why I have such a commitment phobia! Ugh! What seems like the easiest and simplest thing for some, for me is not. Ok, 6 out of 7 days. (My brain is saying, you could change it now to 5! lol). Nope, sticking with the 6. So, here goes nothing.