diagnosis

So, I'm sure you are all waiting in mass anticipation, wondering how my appointment went with the doctor today about the fatigue. (OK, so maybe only I was that excited about it) but, I did get a diagnosis, which is good but the diagnosis itself isn't good. Depression. That's right, I've been trying to avoid that horrible word but it seems like it was inevitable. The Doc and I had discussed it about a month ago, because I had become such a basket case, I know hard to believe! lol. But I had said I thought it was totally just situational and would pass as I got myself together and I sorted out a bit of what I was going to do. I mean the first time I spoke to him things had literally just hit the fan a week or so before, so it was so emotional for me, no wonder I could barely hold myself together. Now, I feel totally different, but yet still have symptoms of depression. I am not sad all the time, and I have the desire to get out of bed each day and the desire to take care of my children, I just am lacking somewhere in between the thought and the making my body actually move. It is the strangest depression I have ever experienced. Unfortunately I am no stranger to depression, I have experienced some mild depression in my past but nothing major. The thing is I experienced enough to say that this time is so different in the fact that I'm not really sad, I'm not terribly hopeless, I don't feel totally lost inside. Thankfully because I have come to know Jesus I will always have hope, and I know that God will take care of me and my children. I guess the depression  (geez I hate to even say it) is more effecting me in a physical sense with the fatigue, and the insomnia, and the lack of concentration or memory. Sure I get times where I'm lonely, or emotional but I'm going through a divorce for goodness sakes! Those are normal behaviors! I guess that's why the Doc said, you are depressed, You've earned it. (In a kind way). I've been trying hard to fight it on my own, because nobody wants to be depressed, but I just can't have these things dragging me down anymore. I have enough on my plate with the migraines alone, so I even though I was hesitant, I took the antidepressants, besides they're actually supposed to help with the migraines too. I just hope they don't make me fat. Seriously. lol. They say depression is very common in people who suffer from chronic migraines, that doesn't comfort me very much. I always figured my faith would keep me from depression, but I guess it is just giving me the comfort I need, and the hope but the chemical imbalances are still there. And I'm OK with that. I'm OK with the diagnosis, because I am not totally lost, or out of control. I am still functioning, and hopeful. This too shall pass.

So I find it very interesting as a mother how my children interact. River and Berlyn don't play well together. I'm not sure why, maybe it's the age gap, but River will play well with Elias and just completely Shun Berlyn. So when there are times when River is extremely harsh to Berlyn I will give the consequence that he has to play with her for a half an hour. Just the two of them, and he has to play nice. Yesterday, while I was giving out this consequence River decided to talk back so I doubled it, and he had to serve out his awful sentence today! lol. Here comes the most intriguing part, when it comes time to play together he is enjoying himself, you can tell on his face. They run and play, and laugh. She adores him so much, and looks up to him thoroughly. She would spend every waking minute playing with him if she could, and he would avoid her like the plague if he could, and he does until I force them to spend time. But when I do, its magical, he enjoys it, and is kind. So what gives? Why does he detest her so, until he HAS to play with her? Should I enforce more play time then so he sees how much they can have fun? It isn't just the playing that he doesn't do, he speaks cruelly to her, he is unkind, and finds fault in her words just to argue. I am constantly trying to tell him about being loving, teaching her instead of criticizing, and it can be such a struggle. Now, it feels like she's starting to pass some of his poor behaviors down onto Elias. Almost like, she knows she can't bully River, but she can bully Elias. Although I am not quite sure River's behavior is bullying. (Maybe Berlyn's is...hmmm). It is amazing how as parents we worry about everything and try to adapt and teach and correct behaviors as they arise. I wish there was an eye in the sky for a few days who could tell me how to correct my behaviors. (Like on TV, except not publicly). I think I worry too much. No, I don't worry too much, I worry enough, but act on too little of them.

I have been thinking of ways to make my down time more effective, so when I'm lying in bed, unable to sleep, or migraine ridden, how can I accomplish more. (I told you I was a natural born over-achiever.) So I decided I can start compiling some family home evening activities. I currently don't have any so if I get a migraine or anything comes up on Monday's that puts a time crunch on us, we end up missing our family home evening. And admittedly the guilt is killing me. I am a mother who thinks with all this time on my hands I should be doing lessons daily! So, if I start preparing some lessons it will be easier to get the home evenings done. I found a this great blog too for ideas. Also, I can read to my kids, lots of different stuff. Especially church related stories. I am especially excited for this. Obviously so they learn to love reading and learn the lessons from the stories, but also so that it helps Elias learn to sit still and quiet for a while! He is so not a quiet kid at sacrement! 
I do my best not to lay down for an actual nap with just the little kids around. It makes me feel super guilty, I don't know why. If River is home I can ask him to watch them, and play with them that way I know someone is taking special care but I feel like their being neglected if I go to sleep while their here. That said, I have done it before, and nothing happens, they play nice. I just don't want my children to grow up with memories of a mommy who never got out of bed.

Writing this blog has made me realize I set a lot of goals, I say I want to do a lot of things, but I don't act as much as I should. Hmm. Ok. Time to fix that. Tomorrow.

Ps. I changed the settings on my Blog, so if you want to post a comment on any of the blog entries, you no longer need to be a google account holder. Its open. No more excuses. :)