The History...

At the end months of my marriage I was really trying hard. Ok, in all the years of my marriage I tried hard. I think I tried harder while I was married than before we were married. Once we joined the church I told myself I would try everything, and work as hard as I possibly could to keep my marriage together. I mean sure in really bad fights I would say I was done, but I didn't mean it. And he knew that. I tried everything. We went to counselling, we went to other counsellors, and we tried seeing the bishop. I read book after book. I PRAYED! I tried praying alone, we tried praying together. Every time I thought I was ready to give up, something else helped me hold on, forgive and keep trying. Because I knew that Heavenly Father wants families to be together forever I struggled so hard with making the choice to leave. People say it takes two to make your marriage work, and they are totally right, but it only takes one to destroy it. He never tried. I'm being honest not one of those angry, one-sided judgemental wives who blame everything on their spouses. But if you're the only one who is trying it is like beating your head against the wall. Especially if your partner has something they need to deal with and they're refusing, or pretending. I'm not saying that I was the perfect wife. No one ever is. I know I have my faults, but I was willing and able at all moments. That is what makes a lasting marriage in my eyes. Also, always be willing and able to keep trying, always be ready to be open, honest and ready to communicate. What kills me inside is that we have 3 beautiful children who will be hurt by a family destroyed because he didn't ever want to put effort in. Now, a person could argue that by showing up at counselling on repeated occasions that is trying on his part, but it's not. That was his way of being amicable, and keeping the peace in the home. You can drag a horse to water but you can't make him drink. That was my husband. There in body and occasionally mind, but not in spirit. To me there is nothing I want more in this life than to have an eternal companion, a stable home, a happy family. I want to live a life pleasing in the eyes of the Lord, working harder each day, to grow closer to him, and to be able to share that growth with my family. I have worked very hard over this last year to try to live a consecrated life, to follow strong values, if you will. Each day of each week I was setting new goals, adding more ways to live a more spiritually fulfilling life. I felt the spirit in my life, and would truly consider each day a blessing. All I wanted was to do the will of the Lord, and to fulfill his work. I was sure if I kept the commandments he would bless me in my life, and I don't just mean materialistically. I would have settled with blessings to heal my husband, or my marriage. I wanted so badly to be able to go to the temple to seal our family together, and I was doing everything I could, but it wasn't only me who needed to be able to go, and he had no desires of working on getting there. My husband and I had been separated for a few months, and he showed signs of trying, so we attempted re-uniting. He found what I thought was a great job; we started renovations on the house, so we could finish the basement which was needed to become foster parents, another dream of mine. I thought the Lord was blessing us! I knew my faith and diligence would always be worth it I thought. I continued to do the things I had been doing before, living the commandments and serving others. The feelings in my heart were amazing, I felt the spirit every day. That warm feeling of love, and happiness. About two months went by, and then everything fell apart. My whole world just crashed. I found out that everything I had thought was happening was a lie, all the changes he was supposedly making, and work he had been doing wasn't so. Literally within the course of an evening my once hopeful marriage had come to an end, and I wasn't sure where I was going to live, how I was going to support myself or my children. I was in debt on our bills and I found out my husband was out of work, so he wouldn't be of any help. I was all alone. With Christmas only a month away I was in total despair, but even more so, I was wondering, "If everything in my marriage and my life is a lie, then where are my blessings? Lord, you promise us blessings, where are mine?" We've made it through Christmas amazingly, with the help of amazing friends and family, and I know that December has definitely brought us blessings of comfort and peace. I just feel like I'm trying so hard and everything I believe in just doesn't seem to be coming together. I know why I try so hard, it's for my kids, but I was once married to my best friend, and now I get to struggle, and fight every day of my life to make everything work. I have all the struggles, and the pain, and the loneliness, and the stress all because he didn't want to try? He didn't want to get himself help? I told myself that I wouldn't slander him on my blog, so I apologize. I feel like He gets off easy and I have all the hard work, the pain the suffering. Like I didn't already have enough struggles in my life with my health? I've gone 5 weeks straight with migraines. And I know they're stress related because of the divorce. (because usually I get days off in between.) So, what can I do? Why did I marry a bum? Ugh. Like as if I don't have enough life challenges I had to pick more? Of course I did, I'm an over achiever and I probably was in the pre-mortal existence too. Dang it! I believe before we came to this earth we chose some of our life's challenges. Some of them we add on while we're here by the stupid choices we make with our free agency. I am still waiting for my blessings, and unfortunately I am losing hope. Try as I might, (and I am, my smarter half keeps telling me to keep the faith!) I have lost that warm feeling, I want it back, but can't find it. I am...failing.