Still trying

I always wondered how many times in a day do you think, “What would Jesus do?” I asked my father this question, maybe I posed it slightly different but you know, don’t you get that thought in your mind all the time, what would your Heavenly Father want you to be doing? I get this quite a bit. He said no, he doesn’t get that thought, but he understood what I was asking. Let me just clarify here, I belong to the church of Jesus Christ of latter day saints. If you still don't know what that is... think I am a mormon. I am a convert of going on two years (this month!). No one else in my family is a member outside of my immediate family (soon to be ex-husband and my children). My dad is a christian though. If I’m trying to figure out what to do in a situation I often think, well if it were Jesus what would he do? I know it sounds so corny, but what better example to use.

If you want an example of what I'm talking about here’s a good one. It wasn’t much longer than a month ago; I was watching my friend’s children and they were all asleep. I was having a particularly emotional day because the separation from my husband was still new. I sat down on the couch, turned off the television and began to sulk. That’s right, I literally sat comfortably enjoying my misery. It was silent. I didn’t even remove my coat. I stayed in that position for about 20 minutes or so, feeling quite sorry for myself, but there was a debate beginning in my head. I started an inner dialog with myself or maybe it was the spirit.

“Tara, you should get off the couch.”

No, I quite like feeling sorry for myself, it feels good in a sad and lonely kinda way.

“Tara, you should find something to do.”

Naw. (I continued thinking about my miserable situation in life).

“Tara, you could see if she has dishes to do.” (refering to the friend I was babysitting for). I didn’t move.

“You should go see if she has dishes that need to be done.”

I know. I probably should. But surprisingly it’s much easier to feel bad. I just couldn’t seem to make my body move. It’s so hard when you’re so sad, and lonely to motivate yourself to action. Life seems so hopeless at times, and this was definitely one of those times. Admittedly I still have times like this, even now. I know in my head and even in my heart what I need to do, I just struggle to get my body to move. Some times it even hurts.

"Tara, what would your Heavenly Father want you to do? Would he want you to sit here and sulk, or go see if she needs her dishes done?"

Ok, I will go and see if she needs her dishes done.

And that is what I did! And she did have dishes that needed doing, by the way, and it was good. It helped me feel like I was helping someone, since I obviously couldn’t help myself at the time. Because I might make poor choices for me, but would I disappoint my Heavenly Father intentionally? Never. Not knowingly, admittingly after I’ve thought it out. Could you imagine standing there on judgement day? Uh sorry Heavenly Father, I know ya told me what you wanted but I was too self-serving and selfish to listen. Um, don’t judge me. Love ya! *wink* *wink* It may have taken quite a few promptings for me to move to action but eventually I did listen to the loving guidance of the Holy Spirit. I don’t think at the time I even realized that the dialog I had going on in my head wasn’t between the more knowledgeable side of me and the sad Tara, but it was between me and the Holy Ghost, but I realize it now. I am so grateful that I was smart enough to not to ignore it. I was reading an article about the gift of the Holy Ghost and I will quote from it ‘If you want greater clarity in understanding and believing the still small voice, there is no better medicine than obedience.’ I loved that statement. And for those of you who know me, and don’t know what I’m talking about here with the Holy Ghost speaking to me, think of it in similitude to your guidance of your intuition in your times of need, that tells you that something is wrong, and so your run to your baby’s crib, only to find he was choking. That was no intuition, but the Holy Ghost. When I joined the church I was baptised with the Holy Ghost, to always have it’s guidance as long as I am worthy. I must say, I think that has been my saving grace, because I lived such a reckless life before, without any direction. (Think my early 20's!).

You know what skill I always wanted? I’ve always wanted to get to the point where I can just see it in someone’s face that they need me, and I will be able to go over and ask them. I really hope one day I can get to the point where I can just see it in ALL people's faces that they need someone, and not have the fear to speak up and go and comfort them. Whether it is a stranger on a bus, or any one. I don’t know if that is a learned skill or a gift. I want it either way. It would be a great thing to have. I guess only if you have a desire to serve others. I mean if you didn’t have that desire, it would just wreak havoc on a guilty conscience.

So yesterday, I had River wash a sink full of dishes, and Berlyn wash a sink full of dishes, and then Elias took a stab at it. I had to remove Elias from the kitchen because he was pouring bowls of water on the floor. Berlyn has always loved to do dishes and I’ve always had a stack of “washed” dishes on the towels that need to be re-washed when she’s not around. Not anymore!! I’m so excited, she’s graduated to fantastic dish washer! So, I celebrated with her, and told her what a fabulous job she was doing, we even did a couple sink full’s together today. I can already see it now, her future job... hee hee hee! I think she’s very quickly going to stop cherishing her beloved chore! Just kidding. Maybe. Elias is going to become very jealous very fast though, we’re going to have to practise some more, or something. Because boy does he love to “help”. J

I guess to sum it all up though, I can’t be doing all that bad, even though I feel like I have fallen way off track. I still have the guidance of the spirit with me each day, and my kids and I are spending time together and they are contributing. I still get lonely at times, and there are plenty of things I can't fix right now. Nobody is pulling each other’s hair out, and we have a roof over our heads. So I guess tonight I can sleep OK. Alright, I probably can't sleep ok, but that's a whole other issue. I’ll worry about what tomorrow brings tomorrow. As for all the things I didn't do (and there is a lot of them) I will just keep plugging away at them, and hope one day I can find a better way to live so I can accomplish more than just the dishes, and cooking and laundry.