3 little lives

Tonight I went to the Parenting After Seperation course part 1. I must admit I found most of the information I already knew, but it was still useful. It was like a reminder, that no matter what the kids come first, and to always make everything in the divorce about what is best for your kids. But like I said it was a REMINDER. I listened to some sad stories though, from children whose lives have been torn apart. It has encouraged me to become an even more attentive parent to my children. It also reminded me that no matter what I'm going through, my kids are going through the same thing except they don't have anyone they can talk to, and they don't know how to identify most of what they are feeling, and it was a complete and total shock to them! So even though I feel that I have been there for them, I want to be there for them even more so. I want to set up a schedule for specific one on one time with each individual child, at least twice a week. I want to be present in the moment more. See here for me, this is the part where I believe I am so honest with myself, because even as I write that I can see that, that is easier said than done. Being present in the moment each day, while I'm trying to get through my own grieving process, and adjust to being a single mom of three kids, and find ways to cope with financial hardships, and deal with migraines and do everyday things isn't easy. Especially because I have to admit to myself I've never really been good with that personal quality in the first place. I am not as attentive as I should be. I do the ya, uh huh. Wow, that's so cool. While, I busily cook dinner, or try to finish what ever it is I am already working on. That type of communication isn't benefiting my children enough, and I know this. That is why it is on my list to change! :) Now don't get me wrong, I do take time out, and sit and listen to them, and play with them, etc. I just realized from this course that they need even more time, and more individual attention. There are so many things each day that make me fear that I'm insufficient as a parent. You know there are so many jobs that we can get wrong in this life time that don't matter. I manage a store and get fired, and it will not really affect anything any different. (hypothetically- so far it hasn't happened!) But if I mess up as a parent, I screw up 3 human beings for a lifetime. That is a serious serious thought. Its overwhelming. I think they should really teach this to teens in high school, grade 10. Maybe they should outline the list of mental illnesses and the major influencing factors to a lot of them is the environment the child is raised in. Or how divorce increases the odds of addiction in children. (True fact). Talk about pressure. I just hope that I have thought about my role enough lately to motivate these thoughts from thoughts to actions. My biggest character flaw... I think to much, act too little.